d{0_O}b - I'm all alone...

2009-09-15T23:19:00.003+08:00

My birthday is fast approaching. I'm not looking forward to it because it reminds me of one thing and one thing only. She gave me a ring for my 21st birthday last year and I've faithfully worn it since then. Before I leave house, I'll make sure I have the ring on. I know I'm naive, I decided to let go but my actions are showing otherwise.
That's Fannie and Sunnie. Willl I be able to spend my birthday with them?

2009-08-24T01:33:00.003+08:00

Happy fucking 21st birthday and thanks for leaving me out.

Congrats on having a bf and thanks for keeping me in the dark, BUDDY.

B.i.t.c.h.e.s

2009-06-28T19:09:00.002+08:00

Love indeed makes one blind and dumb. This eventually leads to emotional distortion and I wish I could go into a recluse but I can't. See how blind I am..

1) 8 months ago, ditch me for another guy. So what was my response? W-a-i-t. I could NOT contact her at all, she was happily with another guy. But I still w-a-i-t-e-d like an idiot.

2) 8 months later, she finally msg me. I wasnt exactly happy cos I was numb already and had alot of doubts abt her.

Examples of her sms-es:

- When I recount our sweet memories we have together, I felt so dumb & silly for losing you. I'm not going to ask you back when I know I'm not good enough for you.

- If you think that this few months I'm not suffering then you're wrong. I did the greatest mistake for wanting to give up. But you still feel insecure about me. If we don't change, same thing might happen again. You never know it's your turn to hurt me.

- I eventually know that you're the one for me. But it's not important, just move on without me. It might be better.

- I'm able to commit now but don't know with who. I only have you in my mind.

- How do you I've not changed? Do you think I need to bounce back to you? I just feel that something could have been done to make us feel better.

- I need someone by my side but I'm not sure whether it's you at times. There's only you in my heart.

As we exchanged sms-es, I kept telling her that she has been in my heart all this while. If I wasn't serious about her, I would have given up long ago. I was keen in waiting for her to get over her past and I need time to feel secure. BUT if she chooses to keep her options open, doesnt this put me in the situation I was in 8 months ago? Talk so much about wanting me back, empty words. Past weeks I been in a real dilemma whether to give up. God helped me make up my mind when I bumped into her with another guy at Suntec. 2nd time I saw her with him.

Bottom line is, I'm moving on WITHOUT her. My heart is using brute force to let her go. It hurts hell alot and this is gonna be an arduous journey. Hope to see light at the other side of the tunnel soon.

2009-06-18T02:33:00.002+08:00

I'm emotional again, as usual. It took alot of brain cells to decide whether to meet her or not. I told myself and my friends, NO I shall not meet her. I have too many insecurities and doubts about her. But deep deep DEEP inside, I miss her so bad and waited so long to see her again. That night, I couldnt help it. I asked her out and we met up. The only place I wanna go with her is ECP. Past months I been going there with different people to accompany me so I could feel the sweet memories I once shared with her. Overwhelmed with all kinds of emotions as I sat with her by the beach. I controlled my tears, noticing you doing the same.

I'm confused, totally confused. You regret "dumping" me 8 months ago, claiming that was a big mistake. You want me back but fear you aint good enough for me. I'm the only one in your heart, nobody else. Hearing you say all this things make me feel the true happiness I long been yearning for. I THOUGHT we could start off slowly and start afresh. I felt bad for telling her I aint ready to accept her. I have my own share of fears too, fear of being a spare tyre, a safe harbour etc. Past 8 months has proven that my heart only wants you else I would have given up long ago. A couple of days later, you told me you're keeping your options open even though I'm the one you want. Wtf is this? You're turning my fears into a living nightmare. I'm at a loss of what to do now..

2009-05-30T19:55:00.002+08:00

I just returned from my NDP rehearsal, super exhausted. Each rehearsal is getting harder and harder. What is pissing me off is that my officer wants to put me to Rota Shift, which means 1 day work 2 days off. What if I got NDP rehearsal after my 24 hr duty? That means I'm working a total of 34 hrs!

It took you 229 days to finally drop me an sms. When I received that sms, I didnt expect to react the way I did. I shouted, "Fuck nb cb, now then sms me." I almost threw my phone to the floor. Anger got the better of me. True I been waiting a long time for this day but I waited too long. I don't feel happy at all, I feel numb emotionally. What happens if we meet up? God knows. But I definitely DO NOT wish to see you for now though I'm missing you. You owe me alot of explainations Fannie.

2009-03-23T14:33:00.003+08:00

There's been a hidden disappointment kept inside me for a long time. I still can't swallow the fact that I went out of course from ERS. If I had stayed on, I would be graduating this 1st April. 6 months of hell over. Not many get the chance to get into this course yet I choose to drop out after 5 weeks. Should I use the word drop out or pussy-ed out? I've never thought of becoming a firefighter but when I was given the chance 6 months ago, I got excited over it. The training isnt as easy as it seems but it can be done! Hundreds have made it through. I ever thought of going through the course again. But I'm not confident. I'm bound to faint due to the heat again. Where am I gonna summon all the strength I need? What makes me feel like a loser is that, my batch has a GIRL in it. She made it through all the hell-training despite fainting and hospitalised. Argh...

12Oct and still counting... Where are you?

2009-03-06T20:03:00.001+08:00

- = F a n n i e = -

2009-01-05T15:43:00.002+08:00

Need you to tell me how

To surpress my feeling of missing you

When you ain't by my side

I'm unable to imagine

The amount of emotions in me

Which I doubt you feel

I still have the hope

We could carry on our journey

That ended in vain

You're loved, you're missed

No matter how much we've drifted

Just hope you know

I'm trying hard to find back my directions in life. You owe me alot of explaination for your unexplainable actions. I don't know whether to love or hate you. The line btw those 2 feelings is just an inch apart. I yearn to see you or bump into you but I got no idea how to react when that happens. I aint in your phone, msn or friendster list. I been totally rooted OUT of your life. I did everything I could in the course of wooing you. Why am I getting this shit in return?

It's been a long time since I played maximum tune or watch a movie, reason being? Cashflow issues. Yeah true I got a car but all that I have in my pocket is my car key, no money. I dare not spend impulsively for fear I wont be able to maintain the car and have to "burden" my family. Looking at this positively, the car has helped to prioritise my family. My main 2 priorities now is my family and the car. I been spending lots of time with them, but this is all time well spent and worth spending.

I spent my Christmas and New Year WORKING. It's sad not to be able to gather with my family or friends. Worst that came was, I got charged on New Year. Almost had to go Detention Barrack but leniency saved me. I almost stuff my fist into the mouths of my officers. Don't talk to me like though I'm a primary school kid or a DOG. I'm a f*cking human. I know NS can be fun but at times you'll just feel like serving and f*ck off asap.

2008-11-30T20:21:00.002+08:00

I simply hate people who doesn't know how to appreciate people's kindness. Kazer, welcome to the list of assholes I know. The next time we meet, I swear I'm gonna give you a good dressing down. People go all out to help you when you're in need of it. You need a job, you're given one. You lack of money, your employers give you an advance. On top of this, you're given free meals for one whole month. Where can you find a better employer? Moreover, the business at the lanshop isn't doing well. How dare you take advantage of the situation! I can close one eye about the money you owe me and my friends. But I cant take it lying down seeing you backstabbing Auntie Maria. I admit that the lanshop isn't on par with others. The reason why I used to frequent there is due to the hospitality I get. I been dropping by the lanshop not to play game but to visit the Auntie. Why? Cos they're such nice and warmth people! You stole from the shop not once but several times. Wtf? No money, ppl give you. No food, ppl give you. You feel cold while working, ppl buy for you jacket. Being obsessed with Audition doesn't give you the right to steal those cards. Your acting in front of Auntie and the police is not applaudable! Asshole.

@ Fannie: You've left me totally speechless and emotionless for the past weeks. I'm still trying very hard to get over everything. It's like trying to swallow a whole chunk of meat down your throat. Sigh..

Too many unhappy events been happening lately. But on the brighter side, I love my mum. Ibu, thanks alot for doting on me. I was seriously joking about asking you to get me a car. But you bought me one. I was only planning to have a car of my own once I've completed NS. I'm so thankful to you! I'm super excited too, cant wait to get my hands on the wheel next week!

2008-11-09T20:49:00.002+08:00

Please allow me to express out

My thoughts and feelings,

Forgive me if you get offended from it

I'm still in complete denial

I never thought things would end this way

You were secretly attached

Without me realising anything

I pray for your happiness

with him who you like

our love didn't go anywhere

but only on the lips

You built a castle from tears

tears which fell from my face

my heart was destroyed, i was left speechless

it felt as if i was thrown away

Oh I still remember

the sweet and romantic moments

Those times where I hoped you would stay loyal to me

but you changed in the end

Oh god strengthen my heart

let me find the peace within

i'm yearning so badly

but what can i do

When devastation and fuming mad get mixed together, what do you get? I got no idea how to put down my feelings into words other than using the word Fucked-Up. Life is unfair but has it got to be that way?

The last time I saw you was on the 10th Oct, you started ignoring me since 12th Oct till NOW! Any idea how much I miss ya? Any idea how much emotional trauma I'm going through? The pain is still building up inside me. I got no right to dictate your life, but surely we can resolve this in a better way. Why am I being cast aside like some unwanted worthless piece of shit? Please search your conscience, JUDGE ME BASED ON MY ACTIONS DONE FOR YOU. In what way was I out to HARM you? I'm speechless... Go ahead and have your fun at the expense of other ppl's happiness.. Sigh, I miss ya =)

2008-11-01T23:54:00.003+08:00

It's been exactly a month since I started my specialist course. It's been one HELL of a month. And this week has been the hell-est of all. The training is tough, I admit it's putting a huge toll on my mind and body. I always have to endure and keep pushing myself to beyond my limit. I've never been pushed so hard. I keep telling myself, "I won't die." But on Tuesday, I ended up in hospital. I collapsed while training. Wtf sia? Never thought this could happen to me. I admit I want to give up already but I hate being a quitter. 2 days after I got discharged, I resumed training. And I collapsed AGAIN! Wtf wtf wtf wtf wtf. The feeling when you're at your limit is HORRIBLE. At certain point of time when I know that I cant take it already, I just continued/endured. I will only stop if I collapsed. Suffering from physical fatigue is tormenting. I felt like as though I was at the brink of death. Experiencing this feeling twice in 3 days is NOT FUN AT ALL. My officer advised me into considering going out of course. My mind is made up, Im taking his advise. It's gonna take me a loooong time to swallow this down. Can someone help me get back up on my feet PLEASE? Sigh, that someone has got to be me.

2008-10-01T23:37:00.003+08:00

I'm the new joker in town! (Not because I'm always cracking jokes) But people are making a JOKE OUT OF ME. Goodness gracious me, the temperature reading of the thermometer in me is near its' tip! I got 101 swearing words in me wanting to explode out. Good luck to the very next person who pushes the "button" on me. Been a while since I seriously hurt someone..

NS is my new found recluse, a place where I'm distant from the pathetic world of mine and where I can channel out my energy/rage through the physical workouts.

Thanks alot to those who gave me birthday wishes and those who did not. Although I "celebrated" my 21st birthday in camp, I'm happy. Like I said, NS is my recluse.

Ok enough of my "ranting." I wanna end by saying a big THANK YOU to Anna for that mini surprise. It's the thought that counts, I appreciate it. You put a smile on my face =)

Did I say I wanna end? I lied.

@ Talisa: We broke up DONKEY YEARS AGO and hasn't met since then. Every year, every couple of months I try to ask you out but kena turn down. And the way you turn me down, the words you said....wth? I'm not asking for a patch or any of that sort. We are HISTORY, I acknowledged this fact LONG AGO. I'm just asking that we be friends, not foes! I'm not angry, I'm just totally disappointed abt the fact that we breaking up means THE END. You don't want anything more than having the Stranger Status with me.

@ Those who made me the new joker in town: I'm not a toy, a fool or a puppet. Count your lucky stars that I'm not a revengeful guy anymore. With that said, DON"T PUSH YOUR LUCK.

2008-09-19T21:10:00.002+08:00

Men has to serve National Service for 2 years and it's been 2 weeks since I got enlisted. BUT this 2 weeks felt like 2 years! Time passes reeeeeeally sloooooow... I'm still in the midst of adapting to Regimental way of life. I feel like as though i'm a dog learning the ropes of being TAMED.

My close friends know that I don't like mixing with malays. In SCDF, more than 90% of the population are Malays. Is this karma? Luckily I'm able to get along fine with my bunk mates. Luckily I'm Malay too! I pity the Chinese ppl in my bunk, they're pretty much outcasted.

As for training wise, I REGRET putting on 10kg. By right I should be in Pes BP. Now I'm stuck with PES B ppl who are all boney. So obviously for fitness wise, I'm lagging way behind. I'm always bearing my bro-in-law words in mind, "Training won't kill you. Death only comes when God decided that it's time." So when I'm going through alot of physical pain, those words from him help me endure the torment.

Ok I'm lazy to blog somemore.. ^_^

2008-08-29T16:50:00.009+08:00

Stream of words flowing through my mind,

With much still left unsaid.

Emotions running high with feelings

that has been flowing within.

Never knew I would be feeling this way

Wondering if it's all a dream,

Leaving me in denial.

I thought of you yesterday,

I thought of you today

With this being a new daily routine,

Am I hoping for that sweet new beginning?

When will we get to meet again? Till then I cant stop missing you. =)

2008-08-28T17:20:00.003+08:00

I wanna blog down about what happened yesterday. 27th August' 08, a day that will go down into the sweetest memory part of my life. Not allowed to go into detail though. Everything just happened naturally. I'm happy, I'm glad, I'm blessed, I'm fortunate, I'm thankful, I'm grateful for each and every second spent with you. How often does one gets to experience that feeling of comfort, perfection, sweetness etc? I'm in the nines. This once in a blue moon event brings out the positive meaning of life. Alright, enough said =)

Before you carry on reading, please click on this website
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DHUNdbtVqcs&feature=related

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Thanks if you done so! I'm hoping to hit a view count of 20k. Currently, I'm at 19,975. Ignore the vulgarities mentioned in there. I'm vulgar only when gaming! Sigh, is my time really up to quit this game? I set several records last year and I've not been able to set new ones. And now one by one my record is being taken down. On top of this, I don't much spare cash on hand =( Any donors interested? =D

2008-08-26T03:18:00.002+08:00

A week+ has passed since I left my job and I been suffering from serious sleeping disorder since then. For 2 months+ I worked night shift, 11pm - 9am and I would only go to sleep around 3pm before having to get ready for work again. Same routine went on for that 2 months. My body clock is totally screwed up. Despite being VERY exhausted, I can end up sleeping for ONE hour only or 3 hours maximum. The feeling is tormenting when you're feeling totally worned out, you toss left and right on the bed, close your eyes forcefully, counting sheeps blah blah but you still won't fall asleep. It's even more worse when you finally end up asleep but wakes up an hour later and have to go through the same routine of trying to get yourself to sleep again. The longest time I stayed awake was 36 hours. Somebooody heeeelp meee~~~

I'm upset over having to quit my job but looking on the brighter side, I get to do things I've longed wanted to do...

1) Dota almost every night, playing till 6am at times.
2) Met up with Nicholas, Jia En and Jaren for supper. It's been a VERY long time since I met Jia En. She is one rare priceless piece of gem or should I say the only one of it's kind I know. There's a saying, "True friends are hard to come by." Jia En falls into that category and I'm willing to do anything or lose anything just to help you if you need it. I give you and Jaren my blessings, my judgement seldom fails me and I believe Jaren is a good catch.
3) Frequent arcade(my 2nd home)

I'm also able to spend more time with my family, other frens and still hoping to meet a few more before my enlistment.

Ok now for my random burst of different unhappiness...

1) It's been a LONG TIME since that saddening incident. Stop giving me excuses will you? You think I believe your so called reasons? I'm not a 1 year old kid, I'm already entering NS! I'm not a 20 year old with a 1 year old mindset either. Blah, I'm sick of having to ask you again and again but end up with same result. If you doubt my sincere or motives, why would I even bother to ask you time and again? I don't believe your reasons! I can only conclude that you've yet to forgive me. This assumption is making me fill up with GUILT.

2) The more I read your blog the more du lan I get. I accepted your reason for that incident but your actions following that are NOT ACCEPTABLE at all. Your actions totally went against the reason you gave me. WTF? I don't even know why am I so affected by this. I feel betrayed, cheated, conned, deceived...argh, all means the same thing! I mentioned earlier my judgement seldom fails me. This is one of the rare occassions where it seems to have. I'm fighting hard to maintain that same judgement I had of you. Grrrrrrrrrrr......

2008-08-06T03:15:00.002+08:00

Is it you or is it me? My impression of you is changing for the worse. I'm in complete denial now. But I still have you to thank for indirectly helping me to tame down.

2008-08-02T02:27:00.002+08:00

Alright, my days are numbered in Standard Chartered. Time flies without me even realising it's been 4 months. I gotta admit this 4 months has been the most productive period in my life. Being worned out by the long working hours and overwhelmed by the stress/pressure. My job duties are way more than what it should have been. Each task involves money and should be done with extra cautious and accuracy. Of course I did make mistakes, I'm not perfect. Mistakes which caused the bank to lose not hundreds but thousands. During those time, I would be sweating even in my sleep. Nevertheless, I'm proud of what I have achieved during my time here. Credit goes to my colleagues for being there for me. THANKS FOR ALL THE MEMORIES.

Soon it's gonna be time for me to serve my country, not something I'm proud to do. I believe I can accomplish even more things in that 2 years. Oh well, this would be a pointless arguement as I don't have a choice, hah!

I'm living through my days doing things I need to do or obligated to do. That isnt the life I'm seeking for but is life really full of choices? What makes life sucks is when independance is not attainable. Why do I say so? The more independent you are, the more dependant others will be on YOU. So what's left in the end? This only applies to certain class of people.

2008-07-02T05:42:00.002+08:00

Work is my recluse, a form of retreat to get away from the unwelcomed events happening around me.

You flow through my mind each time I listen to the song Fall For You sang by Secondhand Serenade..

2008-05-09T23:41:00.002+08:00

Alot of things happened lately, good and bad. I'll start with the good. Thanks to Ivan, I found a job and I'm drawing $1.7k/month. This is only for a part-timer. If only I'm not going NS, I'll be earning lots more being a full-time. High paying job comes with high responsibility though. I'm working in the Fraud Department for Standard Chartered Bank. Those interested in joining me, call me right away!

As for the bad thing involves my love life. It REALLY hurts when you're not being able to be together with someone you're so into. Sharon, I doubt you know what I'm going through now. I understand your reason for not wanting to be with me....we're of different religion. The reason is VALID but I'm unable to accept it. I'm contradicting yes...sigh. What choice have you left me with after turning me down like that? I wanna see bad, I wanna have supper with u, I wanna be there with you but I wont be able to control my emotions if we do meet up. I'm sorry.

2008-03-08T04:09:00.002+08:00

I can still picture myself in my secondary school classroom with my fellow classmates. It feels like my secondary school days were just yesterday. But when I do a reality check, it has been 4 years. Being at the age of 15, I didn't really care about what my future would be like. Turning 21 this year, I have to pay serious attention to my plans for the future. I believe most of my poly friends who are going to graduate are facing this problem.

So what are my plans? I am still holding on to the same dream of becoming a Commercial Airline Pilot. I have already sent in an application and awaiting reply. It is extremely risky if I do not have a back-up option. Another alternative would be signing on with the Singapore Police Force. I'll be scheduled an interview somewhere this month. Reason for joining SPF is simple. NO WAY am I going to draw NS pay. The amount is ridiculously little. Joining SPF helps me keep in shape too with all the regular trainings. Not to forget, the abundance amount of benefits you gain from being a government dog =)

I'm very happy with the changes in the current me. A friend of mine once told before that a Libra knows how to balance between doing the right thing and the wrong. If a Libra does go astray, he will be able to get back on the right track. I've totally stopped going club or go drinking with my friends. Motive for going club for guys is simply, pick up girls or getting involve with mischief. I got dealt with a very big blow but yet a valuable lesson from my previous relationship. Another reason why I stopped is because I do have a handful of friends who frequent clubs. The side-effects of such activity is not visible to them but I can clearly see them. Why go club to pick up girls? So you can impress them by saying... "I'm a frequent clubber and i'm hell of a good drinker." Those type of girls can be found in quantities but quality is close to none. So picking up a girl of no quality, what's the great deal about it? One night stand is a shameful act which has been deemed as an "acceptable" action. When you're called a dickhead, it means you're tremendously dumb. So don't let your dickheads control you. =)

2008-01-30T20:00:00.000+08:00

Seriously, the timezone in my body is VERY laggy. 4th February is this coming Monday, but yet I feel that the 4th of Feb last year was only yesterday. I can still remember clearly what happened on that day and the months before that. Though the ending was a sad one, I feel that the whole process and experience was one which is well worth it and memorable. Nothing seems to last forever for me.

Anyway I had my Career Communications interview earlier and I totally screw it up. How could I go into the interview room and apply for a job which I completely don't meet the requirements? I was able to promote myself well but it's pointless. It's totally my fault for choosing to not prepare for this interview so I could focus on my Internet Security presentation.

2008-01-10T09:53:00.000+08:00

Unknowingly that I'll be left in despair
Saying a yes was a mistake
Little did I expect to see you there
Series of untold feelings were revealed

Time passed like though the next day
Arrives only at the next hour
What was thought as a new beginning
Ends up as a false facade
Leaving oneself lots to ponder about

Streaming questions of "why" and "what if"
Only dampens the process of recovery
One should learn to adapt to the environment
But the latter gets complete control each time

Losing my momentum in everything....source of problem? I'm the problem

2007-10-08T21:53:00.000+08:00

Worked like mad dog last week. Tuesday 10 hours, Thursday 15 hours, Friday 18 hours, Saturday 10 hours and Sunday 9 hours. That's over 60 hours in a week, breaking my personal record of 60 hours. Lacking of alot of sleep, aches all over, bruises all over and I got a swollen knee =(

My mood hasn't been good for the past week either. Been pondering over many things. I'm sorry to my frens for venting my anger on you. Lack of rest can cause my mood to swing...

This Saturday is Hari Raya and I finally found time to do my shopping today. Spent almost $300, lol. Bought long pants and a shirt from Fox Men, Boxers from Calvin Klein, Shoes/Wallet/Shirt from Levis. Omg...Love my mum!

Work at 7am for the nxt 3 days, sigh... Gtg rest!

2007-09-24T14:41:00.000+08:00

Wah liew, I'm starting to hate work more and more. Why do they have to change the style of serving our Chinese/Western courses? It's super tiring you know? Old style allows us to carry 6 or more plates on the Oval Tray from kitchen to ballroom. The new style involves synchronised serving and only allows us to carry 2 plates at a time! No usage of Oval Tray! Know how tiring it is? Luckily I didn't choose to work my usual 16 hours. The 6 hours I worked was enough to kill me. Grrrrrrrr.......PLS change back to the old style!

Fasting month has really forced me to become more angelic. A couple of things have been happening and I could only solve it via peaceful ways. All I can say is, those unhappy with me....stop being a mouse hiding in your hole.

2007-09-16T15:53:00.000+08:00

Miraculously I been staying at home for the past 5 days. Don't wanna burn my cash anymore since I've not been working alot lately. I spend more than what I earn, help me! Staying at home has many benefits, I save $$, get to watch more TV shows, cut down smoking by ALOT(1 a day, depending if anyone could spare me a stick)....no point buying a packet since I'm fasting.

I feel lonely of course, staying home and rotting. Been doing reflections too about how I have changed since I entered Poly. How can I rate it? Nothing? Little? So-so? Alot? I feel negative when I think about this so I guess not much has been achieved. People really do change their habits from Secondary school to tertiary. When I first saw my friends changing for the worse, I despised them. Now I'm in no position to despise them.

My actions are based alot on body languages. How the person react decides my next action. I'm not sure if this is a good habit or not. Jia En told me I'm toying with peoples' feelings by doing so, playing with people around. I couldn't explain my way out but my intention isnt as what she said. I can be quite an insensitive person. By studying a person's body language, I'm actually thinking twice before I say or do something. Well, this is my explaination ~_~

2007-09-08T05:00:00.000+08:00

It's already 5am but before I turn in for the night, I have to vent down my frustrations. I got back from KL a couple of hours ago. It was really an unpleasant trip! I'm upset over alot of issues that happened there. Grrrrrrr, I don't know where to start or whether should I start grumbling. The thing I'm most mad about is the initial initiative to go there wasn't carried out. It looked more like a disguise to settle some other things. It's truely maddening!!!!!!

Yes of course there are ways to look at the trip with the brighter side of thinking. I finally stayed over the "village" which I last went was 10 years ago. Many wonderful and not so wonderful memories came back. Not so wonderful was, I swallowed a blardy housefly! I still remember how excruciating the pain on my tummy was. I thought I was going to die la, housefly is a PEST. PEST = DIRTY = FULL OF BACTERIAS = aiya wadeva la -.-

Argh!!! I CANNOT STAND THRIFTY PEOPLE! Serious..... I'm not a spendthrift to a large extend but I'm definitely not BLARDY THRIFTY. I see situation and decide whether to splurge my money or not. It was really a clash of personality. The not so spendthrift guy clashes against the pretty thrifty guy. Who wins? It DOESN"T MATTER. By right I shouldn't be spending so much on the KL trip. I spent a total of $150 in 3 days. What did I buy for myself? A cheap liverpool watch worth RM20. Nono, I'm not the pretty thrifty guy here.

If you tell me it will be a 10 mins walk, it BETTER be a 10 mins walk. We were already EXHAUSTED. If it was gonna take more time then said, there're 101 taxis waiting. WORSE PART IS, the >10 mins walk includes walking up HILLS. First I had to endure the 6 hour journey, then the 15 mins walk to the MRT under the freaking hot weather and then the long train journey and the so called "hiking."

If you tell me that you are going to buy things for me, then bring enough cash! Reason why I chose not ask you to buy anything for me was because the amount you brought is just enough to cover essential expenses there. Don't even think of shopping. It's alright if you are low on cash. Tell me earlier and I WILL STAY AT HOME and attend my school camp instead.

Don't ever make me carry a luggage that weighs a ton and make me travel on foot. We are smacked right close to the Equator. It's FREAKING hot, you know? What makes me even hotter is, I CANNOT even buy myself a drink after sweating it all out due to the "heavyweight" luggage? All because elsewhere there is cheaper drink available. WTF LA WE ARE IN MALAYSIA. OUR MONEY IS DOUBLE OF THEIRS. WHY EVEN WORRY OVER A FUCKING CAN OF DRINK? This got me so mad, I brought my family to the Kenny Rogers there. The drink there is definitely WAY MORE than that can of drink. The point I was trying to make is, WE ARE IN MALAYSIA. LEAVE YOUR THRIFTYNESS BACK IN SG. I cant have my can of drink because it's "costly?" Yeah alright, we'll go for Kenny Rogers. PERIOD!

I AM SO ANGRY. THRIFTY IS GOOD, IT HELPS TO DISCIPLINE ONESELF ON THE WAY HE SPENDS. BUT BEING OVERLY THRIFTY IS......WTF LA. If from this entry, you think I'm SPOILT......then you need to get a fucking life.

2007-09-04T23:40:00.000+08:00

Been down on my luck lately all due to falling sick, VERY sick. Last Wednesday I started having cough, blocked nose and on/off fever. I thought it would get better by the next day or two but hell no, it got worse. I kept coughing and coughing till my throat went sore. Even swallowing of saliva was painful. Went to see the doctor on Friday and she said my throat was inflamed and gave me some medicine. The worse part has yet to come. Few hours after I consumed the medicine, I had sore eyes! My cough and blocked nose didnt get better, just that my throat wasn't that painful anymore. On Sunday, I had work at 9am. Was still feeling unwell but I thought I would be strong enough to pull through the 15 hour shift. When the dinner event started, I couldn't stop coughing even though guests were around. Tried my best to control my cough. At around 9pm, I had this sudden urge to vomit. Rushed to the toilet and all that came out was saliva....with a small stain of blood. I was shocked and damn scared. At that same time, I felt something rushing up towards my nose. Quickly pulled out some tissues and blew my nose. Was DAMN shocked to see the whole tissue stained with blood. I blew my nose again and the blood was still flowing out. I was feeling very scared and helpless at that point of time. Had no choice but to stop work and headed home.

I will be leaving for Kuala Lumpur tomorrow to visit some relatives and do some shopping there till Friday.

It is really damn obvious you are keeping things from me. Things you are not feeling comfortable with. Time and again, you choose to keep it to yourself. Casting me aside and trying to make everything look normal. I feel lost again. What am I suppose to do now? My dear Michelle, pls save me from all this...

2007-08-29T09:30:00.000+08:00

Been too busy to update due to my lifestyle. It involves alot of gaming, dota. I'm so hooked to that game. Just within few months, I have played for around 150 hours, earning me a discount card for that lan shop. Even my project mates regard Dota as my girlfriend, lol.

Sigh, I'm not even being treated as your friend. I'm really starting to think that you are selfish. I don't think you even care about what I say. Quote from you, "If we are not lovers, we can't be friends." Why is that so? I still find it hard to move on after the separation. Feeling of attachment still exist. It's already a pity that we can't be together. But why can't we even be friends? You make me feel that my existence means totally nothing to you...(OUCH!)

2007-08-03T23:18:00.000+08:00

I can feel your unhappiness,
I can feel your insecurities,
I can recognise your fears,
I know what you want
But you ain't willing to give yourself a chance
to go for it.
Cos ur afraid and unsure.
You need time, which
I'm willing to give you.
All I ask for is your door
To be kept open.
Perhaps till now you're still in shocked
after all that I said and done.
You can't believe it's happening to you.
Neither can I.
But this is all for real,
It ain't a dream.
I'm looking forward to brighter days ahead.
Darkness is part and parcel of life,
like a Sine wave.
Don't be discouraged by anything,
Cos you got me to help you go through everything.

2007-07-27T21:58:00.000+08:00

Finally after waiting 2 months+, I got an sms from Singapore Police Force last night that I've been selected to go for their interview next tuesday. I'm excited and at the same time, VERY nervous. My cousin and sister told me that I'll have to write an essay, sit for a 3 hour Psychometric Test and strip head to toe for a medical check-up! I'm so shy when comes to the stripping part... I gotta report at 8.15am at the Police Headquarters on Tuesday, so darn early! To many, it might be surprising to know that I'm joining the Police Force. My dream is to work in aviation-related jobs. Commercial Airline pilot is my main dream but I'm too short for that. Second is Air Force Pilot followed by Cabin Crew. Air Force has turned me down once, sigh.... But my cousin told me that even though he is in SPF, the Air Force has been trying to get him over. I hope I will have the same fate as him. So why did I choose SPF? Well, now's the best time to join since my poly is about to end and there is an intake in September. This means if I get in, I do not have to serve my NS. Instead, I will have a 5 year bond with SPF. And not to mention, my starting pay is alot more higher than NS men. 5 year bond is short, as compared to Air Force and Army which is 8-12 years. And after the 5 year bond, there will be NO RESERVIST! =D

I'm still very disturbed by the sms I received 2 nights ago. All of a sudden, you sms-ed me mentioning those hurting things. I know you mean well, but it hurts. Only after receiving that sms did I realised how much you mean to me. I wanna know how you came up with that conclusion but you refuse to talk about it. I aint gonna force it out of you but I really hope that you'll come clean with me one day. =)

It's the weekend again tomorrow. The part of the week I NEVER look forward to. Weekends means work. Work means hell cos I go through alot during work. This weekend I'll be working at least 30 hours. Endure endure endure...

2007-07-20T00:39:00.000+08:00

The era of Maximum Tune 2 is coming to an end as the launch of the third version will be out this Saturday. Looking back, it's hard to believe that I actually got hooked to a car game. I still remember how I started out... About 2 years+ ago, after I dumped away all the flyers that I was supposed to distribute, I dropped by Zone X arcade at Dhoby Ghaut. At that time, Maximum Tune was only at its' first version. The graphics and musics of the game attracted me and I could actually stand for hours just watching people play. I didnt dare to get my hands on the sterling wheel. My friend Lionel made the first move by trying out the game. So I thought to myself, if he dare to try it, why wouldnt I? The game was dirt cheap too, 50 cents a game. This is only for Japanese version. The English version cost $1 per game. So I tried and my god, I got hooked right away. Every single day, I would quickly pick up my bags of flyers, dumped them and rush down to the arcade. The arcade opens at 10am and I would already be there at 9am! I get around $20 each time I distribute flyers and most of the $$ would end up being donated!(Not charity, the game machine) =D .... As I carried on playing the story mode, I found it rather easy and decided to move on to time attack. This is where the challenge comes in. When I compared my timings to those set by top players, I felt so noob. I wanted so much to make friends with the top players and get them to guide me but I was kinda shy and thought that these people won't teach a nobody anything.

When the second version of Maximum Tune was launched, I felt so heart-brokened as only English versions were available. I could not transfer my Japanese version cards to the English version ones. I didn't just gave up thought. I managed to make friends with this top player named Falfen who was willing to sell me a card. Well, he was actually cheating my money. He sold a card to me for $10 and the car was not even half-tuned. I didn't care, I just needed a card. And not to forget, it's a PINK car. Gay colour but oh well, that very car got me to where I am today. I told myself that if I wanna be the top, I have to be friends with the top players and get them to guide me. I really felt inferior at first while talking to the players. I don't know what made them decide to guide me. Probably because I showed alot of interest? In any case, I owe those people who helped me a big THANK YOU. I'm very proud of what I've achieved for this second version. Managed to get into local top 3 timings for several maps. The most memorable time I had while setting record was for the 4th map. I was holding the no.1 record for several months when this guy named Marco suddenly overtook my place and set a timing which I thought was totally impossible to beat. I admit I gave up cos if I chose to break it, I'll need to spend a bomb. One day while I was out shopping with my group mates, Suriani and Michelle, I decided to drop by the arcade. As Marco was there, I asked him to show me how he played. Right after he played, he urged me to play too. I declined at first as I'll only be making a disgrace out of myself. But after much persuasion, I gave in. I told myself to spend only $5 at most. My mindset was pretty simple, just play for fun. Halfway through the map, I decided to be a little serious as I had a chance to break his timing. And....TA DUH! I set a timing which made it even more impossible for him to beat. I'm ranked 1st in Singapore and 2nd in the world(exclude the Japs). Can still remember how crazy I behaved at the arcade.... Was yelling at the top of voice till many ppl came over and see who the mad guy was. I hugged almost anybody I saw, lol!

I really hope the physics of the third version wouldnt change so much. My new goal is to help Singapore's timings be parred or even better than those in Hong Kong and Japan. Well, this means I'm gonna be spending a bomb. I know it's a bit silly of me to get obsessed by a game. Car racing is my passion =) Virtual racing only....

2007-07-13T14:12:00.000+08:00

Been too "busy" to update or just plain lazy? As usual, past few weeks has been like a roller coaster ride. After around 3 years, I got attacked by piles again! It was a pain in the ass. And the following weak, I sprained my shoulder and neck. Omg, havent I been through enough pain?

That is physical pain, it's nothing compared to emotional pain. "The proudest thing that I've done in my life was to leave you." Someone said this to me and upon hearing that, every part of me shattered. It's a very painful lesson to learn for not knowing how to appreciate what I had. If I'm ever being granted a wish, I will definitely ask for time to be rewinded to the part where things were still going on smoothly. This feeling of attachment is dragging on for too long. Move on dude...

2007-06-25T13:35:00.001+08:00

To girl A: We used to be kinda close to each other at one time. But few days ago when I finally saw her after a couple of months, things felt so different. That feeling was still within me like an aura, as though we were connected. Was it a pity that I gave her up once? I know that she's decent from the start, I still hold on to this belief despite all the negative comments shooting at her. I hope we could go out again, just the both of us. I seriously didn't mind her friends tagging along the other time but I would prefer it to be just us.

To girl B: I don't understand how I ended up in your ignore list all of a sudden. I still can't accept it. What wrong have I done? Is it because I happen to be a buddy of him? I thought you were willing NOT to allow that to affect us? Why has things come to this way now? I mentioned it before that you got qualities of a true friend and I hope you can help me make this dream come true. PLEASE....I hope you're reading this and if you are, I've e-mailed you my new contact number. Drop me a msg pls... I'll be waiting.

I can't use their real names for fear of implicating matters into more serious issues.

A couple of days ago I was feeling super down out of the blue. I suddenly felt lousy. Felt like as though nothing has ever gone smoothly for me in life. Is this feeling true? Am I wasting my life away doing non-beneficial things everyday? My daily routines are pretty fixed. School on weekdays and work on weekends. I guess I'm sick of this routine? But what can I do? School is a MUST. Work is also a must. I admit I'm damn sick of working. But I have to work to keep up with my expenses. I eat and drink(not referring to alcohol) alot! Not including entertainment, my daily expenses can add up to $20-$30 a day. I have cut down on entertainment ALOT. It's been donkey months since I entered a club. I'm sick of hearing stories from my friends about their experiences in clubs. I miss the fun of clubbing, even if I end up making a fool out of myself. It's all about fun. On weekdays, I have to endure with the long school hours. On weekends, I have to endure with the long working hours. Average number of hours I work ONE day on the weekend is 15. It's fucking tiring. I'm running out of motivations to keep me working hard. Usually once I pass the 9 hour mark, it'll be total endurance from then on. Mentally and physically tired. Where do I get the energy from? Heaven knows. And of course when I'm so worned out, I tend to do my work with less quality and end up getting fucked by the managers. I don't enjoy all that!

Why am I not enjoying it? My pay would always be spent away in a spoof. This makes me feel useless cos I got no savings. Each time I start to save up, I get BORED cos I'll be rotting at home and not going out. Even with my current pay I'm not able to do things that I WANT. So what if I earn $100 a day? That money is so HARD earned till I can't bear to spend it at all. I don't even know how it gets spent in the end. So once it gets spent, I'll feel lousy. Feel like as though all the effort, sweat and endurance that I put in during work has all gone to waste.

My conscience isn't clear about many many things too. Enough for now...

2007-06-19T17:03:00.001+08:00

If u been trying to contact me for the past month, my apologies.... Main line has been cut but I've got a temporary number for now. 93681503 =)

2007-06-05T13:21:00.000+08:00

People are getting the WRONG impression of me that I'm a flirt. Even IF you insist I am, flirting is a two way thing. Don't straightaway pass such an insulting judgement on me. Why are flirts being despised? Cos they toy with girls feelings with their sweet honeyed words? I don't regard my words as sweet or honeyed, they're just honest comments. And you think I'm the kind who TOY with girls feelings? Omg, I know how traumatic being emotionally hurt can be. Why would I wanna do that to others? An act of revenge? I aint a revengeful person though I been labeled as that by someone before. =)

Few months ago, Sharon told me that "feelings run through me very fast." Those exact same words are still ringing in my head. Those words somehow hit a nail on my head. I felt some truth to it but is it the truth? I admit that I do have feelings for two girls now, 1 is my beloved talisa and Clar. My feelings for them don't run through me fast. But does it mater? One is avoiding me like as though I'm some irritant, the other is attached. Where feelings is concerned, it can get very complicated. Deep down inside I know who I seek who but I lack the drive...the motivation to push forward.

I've squeezed myself dry,
I'm out of words,
I'm out of actions.
You want me to move on,
Sure I will...
But...
Only if you allow me to take you with me.
You think I got a menu of girls,
No I don't.
Having a menu means you can choose which one you like,
and you'll get it.
I don't want to have a menu.
I only want to have you.
I wanna to relive those moments
and make them last.
It might all sound like a fairytale to you.
But I hope as hope is all I have now,
I hope we could start all over again.
What am I without you?
Where am I without you?
Who was there when I was down and out?

Fyi, each time I go to the ATM, the pin that I key in would bring back those wonderful memories =)

2007-05-25T13:17:00.000+08:00

Havent got the time to get a new blogskin. I know I've told many ppl that I will link them up. Don't worry! I got all your blog webbies saved in my comp. But the bad news is my internet is currently down.

So how did I fare for my BTT? P-A-S-S-E-D! I was damn happy sia. When I sat for my e-trial at 1pm, I only scored 80% which means fail. You need to score a minimum of 90% to pass. I was so disgruntled and demoralised, didnt have confidence for the real test which was starting at 2pm. I only had half an hour left so I studied my book thoroughly. When I went up to the test room, I was 10 minutes late. I'm supposed to be there 15 mins b4 test starts. Everyone was already sitted in the class and the instructor told me to wait outside. At that point of time, I was so sad and scared I won't be able to take the test. At 2pm, the instructor called me in and did a quick briefing of what I had to do. The pressure was tremendous at that point of time. I told myself to stay calm and focus on the computer screen! Cos during the e-trial test, I got distracted by 2 girls sitting opposite me =X .... Anyway, the questions asked in the BTT were damn easy. I didnt wanna get too complacent though. When the window popped to ask me, "Are you sure you want to end this test now?" , that was the most scary moment. Intense pressure!!! I was filled with fear all over, fear of failing. When I sat for the E-trial, I saw the word FAILED. So when I clicked on OK, I saw the word PASSED smacked right in the middle of the computer screen. I wanted to SHOUT out loud a big YES but stopped myself as everyone were still doing their test. I looked at the instructors and they both smiled at me. I was the last one to go in but first one to finish, lol. I took barely 10 mins to finish up the 50 questions. Genius or lucky? I think it's a mixture of both. Almost half the questions that came out for my E-Trial came out in the BTT as well. =D ... Thanks to Jo and Syarifah for accompanying me that day!

2007-05-16T20:55:00.000+08:00

Been busy lately not only with Major Project but also.....DOTA, lol. I started DOTA exactly a week ago and been playing it almost everyday/everynight. At times I would stay in town till 6am just to play DOTA! And when I proceed on to school at 9am, I continue playing DOTA. Omg, I'm hooked to it.

I'm also learning a new dance called Melbourne Shuffle, many might not have heard about this but very soon it's going to takeover hip-hop and become super hot in Singapore. Shuffle is for Trance genre, not R & B. Just type Melbourne Shuffle at youtube if you're curious... or click this link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2a_wIQT5ePk

Sigh, many things have been going through my mind. Two of my girl-friends are sicks, 1 needs an eye operation....the other has anemia. Feel so sad for them... Both mean alot to me. Been wanting to meet up with one of them for so long but she keep turning me down.

I admit I'm still in shocked upon knowing that Clar is attached. I thought the separation was a mean for us to catch a breather and then there would still be some hope after a while but sadly no. As the saying goes, you can't always have things your way. But in any case, she has my blessings =) I got lots of things to pen down but it's better if I keep them with me.

I'm taking my Basic Theory Test next Wednesday, wish me luck!

2007-05-07T18:07:00.000+08:00

I'm back from my work marathon! Saturday I started work from 9am till 2.30am. We had to do setting up in this huge tentage which had NO air-con but fan only at Nathan Road. It was like an oven, super super warm. No one could last more than a minute in there but we had no choice. Darn hotel(oops!) couldnt supply us with mineral water. We drank cans after cans after cans of soft drinks. That made us even more dehydrated. I had fun though cos I just love my colleagues, fun bunch to be with. When we were done with the set-up, we had to go to Swiss Hotel to pick up 120 pieces of dance floor. While I was there, I observed the working environment as there was an ongoing event. Ritz Carlton is the best! =D

Sunday I started work at 8am. Could only sleep for 3 hours before setting off to work. Sunday was the actual day of the event so we had to make sure everything was done asap. Luckily this time the oven had it's air-con on. But stupid generator broke down and we had to work in the oven-like environment, zzz. As soon as the air-con was back on, I slept on the chairs for 2 whole hours! It was only around 3pm but I just couldn't take it anymore. Was battling with physical and mental fatigue. I thought I could have an easy time during dinner but hell no. Dinner was NIGHTMARE. I never want to go through this nightmare again. Having enough sleep is damn important. No point going all out when you're putting your health at risk. It was a test of endurance and I failed because after the whole dinner ended, I was sitting on the chair not able to move while my colleagues had to do most of the loading/unloading of stuffs. Despite being tired, I offered to work OT till 4am while the rest worked until 2.30am. Once the rest left, I told myself to squeeze out every bit of energy left to finish up the remaining work.

Total hours worked in 2 days was 37 hours. I should start watching my health. Supposed to go school at 9am but I could only wake up at 6pm. I did wake up at 12noon and told myself to go school but my head was killing me. I had a freaking migraine. -_-

2007-04-30T00:13:00.000+08:00

On Friday I was watching news about a forum held at Ritz Carlton. The newscaster said that the forum continues tomorrow and I was working on Saturday. I was kinda excited cos the event was quite a huge one with top leaders from Arab and our ministers which include MM Lee Kuan Yew and SM Goh Chok Tong attending. As soon as I got to work, I stepped into the ballroom and indeed I saw the same setup which was shown on TV. But sadly, our MM and SM didn't attend that day. I worked from 7am till 12mdnite. I seriously didn't feel tired until I changed into my slippers. My legs suddenly felt so weak and the bones were hurting. Couldn't even take steps w/o feeling pain. Slept all the way till 6pm from 1am, lol. Went to meet up with friends at century square and then caugh a movie with Connie. Wild Hogs is damn comical! At some parts, I juz laughed uncontrollably...

While I was at work yesterday, I asked myself if I enjoyed what I was doing. I been in this line for a year and a half. Before I join the hotel line, I was working in a coffee shop for about 4 months. When I looked back, I can't believe I actually worked in a coffee shop. The job is so DIRTY. When I moved to hotel, the job is still dirty but more hygienic. So what made me stay on in F&B for over a year? Banquet is really not an easy line to be in. I got other jobs out there which is better paying and more "slack." I think I'm in love with the hotel bah...

Next Saturday and Sunday I'll be working for at least 30 hours doing outside catering at some rich ass house in Queensway. Next next wednesday there's also outside catering at SM Goh Chok Tong's house! I die die wanna work there BUT Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr.....should I skip sch or should I not? haha... I'll discuss with my group members =X

2007-04-27T21:05:00.000+08:00

Just wanna say a big THANK YOU to Fiona. I been going to school everyday with her this week and she would give me a wake up call in the morning. But today was different, I had a stomachache so I told her to go school first. In the end I still reached school first cos my dad sent me. Along the way, she sms-ed me and asked if I could wait for her at the bus-stop cos she had something to pass me. I reached school around 8.45am and so I waited. I was cracking my brain about what that something could be. When I saw her alight from the bus, she was carrying this huge paper bag. I got excited la, lol. Thought it was some big present. She then took out a small tupperware out of the paper bag.....she made sandwiches for me! Awwwww....so sweet! Few days ago, I asked her whether does she make toast in the morning and she replied no. I didn't ask her to make breakfast for me but she told me that since I asked, she decided to make some. I didn't know how to thank her cos I was pressed for time! Stupid new system require me to clock in at 9am LATEST. 9.01am is considered LATE. So I walked quickly to my class, seeing my watch still showed there was 3 minutes left. But when I clocked in, it was 9.01am! Computer time is 5 minutes faster, wtf! I was LATE for ONE minute and I had to fill up an explaination form. -_-

2007-04-25T00:04:00.000+08:00

WTH?!?!?!?! I look like Ronaldinho? I didn't know that. I also look like P. Ramlee? Omg...

My whole mind, body and heart is being filled up by.....emptiness.

2007-04-22T16:34:00.000+08:00

Last week of holidays and my life has been damn happening.....YES YES I KNOW I MISSED THE WEEK ZERO ORIENTATION. I've read blogs and saw pictures/videos abt it and I surely missed alot of fun. Given the chance again, I rather go for camps then work.

Anyway, Wednesday I went to PowerHouse.....I was feeling rather low that night so I drank beyond my limit and got drunk. Sorry for troubling those who were involved =X

That is a submarine, made up of tequila shot + beer. The tequila shooter glass is submerged upside down inside the beer glass. All I can say is, this drink is a killer...lol. At a point of time, I knew I was near my limit. I called up alot of people asking for help but none was available. So I went back inside....went to approach one group of people on another table and started making friends. They offered me drinks but I refused AT FIRST. I drank in the end. I even knocked off some of their glasses by accident and they still offered me more drinks! I drank and drank....and *K.O*

Slept throughout Thursday till 8pm. Was supposed to go work at 5.30pm but I reported sick. Friday me and my friends went to Sentosa to play beach soccer. My first time playing beach soccer, it was damn hard la. Running barefoot on the hot sand, kicking the ball barefoot....I couldnt even do any dribbling cos the ball movement is not within my control! I even injured my toe cos I forgot to cut my blardy long toe nail. Serve me right...

PowerHouse on Wednesday was fun, Sentosa on Friday was hella fun....but the FUN-EST day was Saturday at PowerHouse again. Went with Sharon and Karen first. We reached there pretty early, 9.15pm! I invited Jo to come as well cos it was her birthday. I did MANY silly things in there cos I was damn high. On Wed, I saw this cute promoter....I was having a chat with her that day then silly Jeff pulled me away. So I told myself that if I see her again last nite, I will get her number and yipee, I got it. Another silly stunt I did was getting a waitress to hug me. She was very reluctant at first but oh well, I'm good with words, lol! Some stunts which I failed was trying to get the manager and waiter to dance with me at the dancing floor =( But I managed to get the manager to do something silly later on! There's this waiter who always puts on the devil's horns. I been wanting to have it for quite some time but each time I asked him for it, he'll ask me to do some stupid thing like getting a girl out and kiss her in front of him or buy him a packet of cigarette. Of course I'm not so dumb to give in. But yesterday I managed to get it and I really put it to good use! When the club closed at 4am, I was still inside VERY hyper. I know so many of the waiters there and couldn't stop talking to them. I kept taking pictures with everyone in the club, lol. But the not so sporting ones were the bouncers and DJs, zzz.

This gotta be my fav. pic of the day! That's me and.....Horny Gordon Foo, lol! He's the manager of PowerHouse. Love those horns...

Me and Sharon. She was so hot yesterday but sadly, she had to leave rather early.

Simon and Karen. Just a little history about them, they got to know each other from maple...got married in maple and met each other in Real Life for the first time YESTERDAY! *Couple in the making*

That's me and JBL! And no...there's no contact there.

No contact there either...

That's the Birthday girl and me. Happy 19th Birthday Jo! Glad you had fun yesterday~

2007-04-18T01:08:00.000+08:00

Is it better to be spoilt for choices or having limited choices? When you're dining in a restaurant, wouldn't you rather have a whole list of dishes on the menu?

Sometimes I wish I'm a girl......I'll be spoilt for choices then. So many good-looking and rich guys out there. I can choose to be materialistic for a year or so to get all the "branded" things I seek for before settling down with a serious guy.

Where do poor guys stand? If you're a girl, given a choice.....you would rather be with someone who can meet up to both your wants and needs. Poor guys lack the ability to fulfill the wants of a girl. Is it important for a guy to own a car? Probably in the eyes of girls, it's a big fat yes. The guys can be their "Ahmad" which means chauffeur. Face concious reason? Yeah definitely, you can go around telling your friends that, "Hey, my bf's coming to fetch me later....he's got a car."

Putting yourself in the guy's shoes....you have to fork out so much $$ for the car and put up with the girl's whinings each time you turn up late to fetch her or the air-con isnt cold enough or music's too loud or the chair isn't comfortable enough.

I'm being strucked by the feeling of inferior and low self-esteem now. Did I spend my holidays wisely? Yeah I did, I kept working and working. Did I spend my money wisely as well? Yeah I DID NOT. I think I would have earned at least $1.5K - $1.7K and the amount that I've saved is....too miserable to mention.

Abt my tagboard, pls stop posing as me, clar or anyone else. Grow some balls even if you're a lady and use your original nick.

2007-04-13T11:24:00.000+08:00

Finally got loads of time in hand to blog! So many things have been happening despite my busy working schedule..... Let me talk abt my unhappiness first -.-

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr, going clubbing is such a waste of money la. I just went to Power House on Wed after being MIA from club for so long. Managed to book tables for 30 ppl thanks to Nicholas a.k.a rippytan. He went through alot of headaches and troubles before all my friends could get in. Nice of him to work on that day so he could serve my table. But damn la, in the end my friends decided not to open bottle from him...zzzZZZZ!!!!!! I told them to open a 4.5litre bottle which cost $870 but in the end they wanna open a 3litre bottle which cost $700. 3litre finished damn fast la and they ordered another bottle which is 700ml cost $150.

Initial Plan: $870 / 4.5litre

In the end: $850 / 3.7litre

WASTE OF MONEY

That night was so messy, especially the entrance part and purchasing of bottle.. I really pity Nicholas, I owe him alot. And 1 person had to pay $45, wtf? zzzzzzZZZZZ...... I didn't enjoy myself in there either. Clubbing is not FUN anymore to me. Even though I did the usual crazy stuffs in there, I wasn't having fun. Went to sit at the pub outside where it was more peaceful. Kept talking to the waiters there cos I was too bored. Then I saw Gordon Foo! He's the manager of the club, son of the owner of the club! I straightaway told the waiter, "Hey, pls ask your manager to come and talk to me." lol! I've conversed with Gordon on the phone before but neva talked in RL. Luckily he remembers me so there wasn't a need for introduction. First question to him was how he became successful =D .... People might think that being the son of some big shot, you can rise in position fast. Hell no, Gordon works damn hard to be where he is today. I left the club around 2.15am! Just didn't feel like staying there although I was feeling high already. Drank 5 glasses of henesys, 3 tiger beer and a pair of sex on the beach. Clubbing not fun anymore for me! Didn't feel like going home so I spent the night over at Sharon's house.

This pic wasn't taken on Wed night. I was out with her on Monday. Accompanied her to go for a hospital check-up in the morning although I ended work pretty late the night before. We had to go to National Skin Centre.....thinking that it is at SINGAPORE GENERAL HOSPITAL. We made a wasted trip of course. Following that, we went to have lunch at Marina Square. She die die wanna eat Seoul Garden but I said NO. Her reasons for having a buffet is not acceptable, lol. We went to eat at Pizza hut instead. I ordered the pizza set lunch where I should only be getting a slice of pizza. Haha....BUT!!! I got a WHOLE pizza instead. The cook read the order wrongly and I already waited for quite some time so they decided to give me that whole pizza. I was damn happy la but in the end still couldn't finish. Still got half of the pizza left... Time seemed to pass fast even though I was with her for around 13 hrs. We spent lots of quality time together. Quality = talking. Watched Meet the Robinson, funny show! Before the show started, there was a short Mickey Mouse film.....I actually thought that we entered the wrong cinema but the mickey mouse film was nice also, lol. We later had dinner at East Coast Park, took loads of pics and ordered quite alot of food. It was already 9pm and I actually told myself to be home at 8pm cos I had work at 6am the next day! Just didn't feel like parting yet....we only left the place at 11pm I think. And next day at work, I was super tired and BLUR. Worked from 6am till 10pm, battling with fatigue all the way. Did alot of stupid mistakes which almost caused my pay to be deducted. Got scolded in front of my colleagues, zzz. When I lack of sleep, I get mood swings. I wanted to yell at my manager back but of course my conscience stopped me. I deserved to be reprimanded anyway, lol.

Omg, I dun have much time to spare anymore! It's 12.30pm and I'm going jogging at ECP at 3pm with jeff and I still wanna play my game, lol. Ironically, me and jeff are not going town so often like before. Last week, we went kayaking.....this week we played soccer and today we going jogging. We're into a healthy lifestyle! Yea rite...quit smoking first brudder -.-

2007-04-07T09:06:00.000+08:00

Been extremely busy lately! Last week I worked slightly over 50 hours, this week another 50 hours and next week......60 hours *faint* I do feel more physically stronger but also tired. My body is very used to doing something physical everyday. On April Fool's day when I didnt do anything, my body felt damn weird. So I decided to go kayaking the next day and played soccer the day after. I'm so glad things are back to its' normal level between me and jeff =)

Missing out so much fun with my friends. I miss the fun in camps, I miss hanging out in town watching movie and playing pool, I miss the clubbing life I used to have, I miss going out with certain ppl etc etc etc!! After next week comes my final week of holiday. My pockets are gonna be full of HARD-earned money by then. I don't plan to work during that week, but maybe I would. I plan to enjoy every single bit of my remaining holiday. But all this depends on whether am I willing to spend the hard-earned money, lol. I've got scratches, bruises, cramps, aches all over! At times I feel so physically weak but I tell myself to endure. Few days ago, I lost grip of the 12 chairs I was carrying and they fell on me. I was using every bit of my arm energy to hold onto the chairs before help arrived. The next day, I lost grip of another 12 chairs and they fell on my FOOT in front of the organisers for Gucci Party. I swear the pain was excruciating, I thought my leg was gone. But I got up and carried the chairs again =X

Speaking about the Gucci Party, it was one hell of a party! Only tall, handsome and young waiters could work for this party. The guests all came in their super doober expensive classy clothes. The best part of this party is that, SO MANY celebrities came to attend. I'm glad I was the USHER cos all the guest had to walk passed me. So who walked passed me? Hmm....FIONA XIE....Zoe Tay.....Chen Hanwei and many many many more! My legs went weak when I saw Fiona Xie, lol.

Gotta get ready for work now... -_-

2007-04-03T01:24:00.000+08:00

How did I spend April Fool's day? Rotting and just keeping myself busy at home. I didn't go out at all! Miracle.... Since I had so much spare time, I decided to do some packing. Packing stuffs which meant alot to me. First, I look through all the things Clar gave me and kept them neatly in a box. Following that, I started looking through the things Talisa gave me. There are ALOT of things, considering the fact that we were together for 2 years++. I almost broke down into tears. It's hard to accept some facts about reality, I admit I'm still in denial. I found the handphone chain which Talisa gave me and hooked it onto my phone. The very next day, guess what happened? I was on the phone with Elizabeth while boarding the MRT and I bumped into reality. I saw her sitting at the corner of the train. Immediately, I hung up the phone and sat beside her. It's been over a YEAR since I saw her and talk to her. All of a sudden, I felt like the missing part of my life was found. I felt complete. I admit it was rather emotional, plenty of emotions were stirring up deep inside. But I kept my cool and kept chatting. Sigh...before I could talk more, I had to alight. I felt like as though I was on a bullet train, not the MRT. I had to bid farewell to Talisa, not knowing when I could have this chance again.

My mind's at whirl. I admit I know who I want, but the problem is....I can't be wanting to have more than 1. It won't be fair. I've to make up my mind, I've to make a decision. A wish changes nothing but a decision changes everything =)

2007-03-29T13:35:00.000+08:00

Some lines from the song, "Way back into love," helps me to express my thoughts and feelings.

I've been living with a shadow overhead
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I've been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past, I just can't seem to move on

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need em again someday
I've been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind
All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love

I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I've been searching but I just don't see the signs
I know that it's out there
There's got to be something for my soul somewhere
I've been looking for someone to shed some light
Not just somebody just to get me throught the night
I could use some direction
And I'm open to your suggestions

I been very busy working lately. Although it's the semester holiday now, I'm still not in that holiday mood. I lost interest in the usual routines that I do like arcade, drinking and clubbing. Those can take up alot of time....and money as well. Luckily I got work to keep me busy, else I'll be so bored and end up emo-ing.

A couple of days ago, I finished reading a book "A child called IT." Thanks to Sharon for lending me that book! I must admit the storyline is very disturbing. From a warmth and happy family, things slowly turned sour.....and I mean REAL SOUR. Imagine your existence in the family not being acknowledge and you're regarded as an IT. Having to sleep in garage, given only 1 meal every 2-3 days or even up to a week and the meal consist of leftover food either from the other family members or the leftovers from the DOGS. Forced to do house chores within a time limit. Always being abused in every possible way you can think of. Locked in the toilet with poisonous gas, stabbed in the stomach and made it seemed like an accident, verbal abuse, forced to eat manure and being totally deprieved from childhood. So what happens in the end? -Amen- , that's how the author ended the story, leaving me feeling so disturbed. I'm sure there're such cases happening around the world. I should count myself lucky =)

2007-03-26T23:45:00.000+08:00

How do you socialise? How does your friend socialise? Different people have different ways of socialising. I like to do things differently from others, I like to be different from others. The way I socialise is different from others also. If you got a problem with the way I socialise, that's not my problem. If the way I socialise is considered as flirting, how come the girls in my hotel are not keeping a distance from me? Don't girls despise flirtatious guys? This simply means I'm not flirting. I can write one whole entry explaining why am I not a flirt and giving tips on how to socialise with someone of the opposite gender and leaving a deep impression of yourself on him/her.....but nah, not today.

I feel so happy now cos it's been so long since I spent quality time with my mum. I slept over at her house last night but before that we had a LONG chat for hours till 2am I think. We talked about many things, her problems mostly. And I started to gave her advices and cracked some jokes. She had some problems with her NEW Nokia 73. OMG, this is her 2nd piece in 3 months! The previous one got stolen. And she bought a new limited edition N73. I spent like 1 hour talking to the M1 customer service using my handphone till my battery almost died -.- ..... While I was talking to my mum, I got reminded of how someone said I'm not a family man. I don't know exactly what family man means. Someone who puts family above all? I admit my family comes on top of everything but not all the time. It all depends on the situation. But one thing that I'm very proud of is, I've NEVER been rebellious or talk back at my parents. I converse with them with utmost respect and never be blunt or use words which are unpleasant to the ears.

Gotta go talk on the fone now, dun wanna keep my fren waiting -.-

2007-03-23T00:17:00.000+08:00

It's time to listen to mama's advice which is not to get feelings involved during the process of widening your social circle of friends. Sigh, I admit I'm totally lost now. That "lost" feeling when things or ppl are taken away from you. I'm relieved that despite the break-up, I didn't drown my sorrows with clubbing or alcohol for I know those are gonna make my life a living hell. In fact, I'm losing the interest to club now and the smell of alcohol irks me off. Are these signs that the old doob is returning? I don't know but I certainly hope so.

Yesterday I went down to the hotel to take my pay at 5pm. I was supposed to rot and decompose till 9pm while waiting for Jia En to finish work. But LUCKILY I had Kim to accompany me. Bumped into her at Tampines MRT and she happened to be making her way to collect her pay too. And luckily she had no plans after that so I told her to keep me company! Lol, I thought she would turn me down cos we barely talk to each other despite working at the same place, being in the same school and have attended camps together. We did some shopping and watched "Stomp the yard." Throughout that few hours, she kept disturbing me la... Grrrrr, I dun understand why everytime people(girls mostly) always disturb me by poking my arms, tummy, chest and pinch my cheeks. Grrrrr..... After I parted with Kim to meet Jia En, she did the same things to me. And today when I went out with Sharon, she did the exact same things! But among them all, Sharon is the most violent. Sharon uses her fist instead of fingers to poke me and she would really punch! And she actually used my lighter to burn my hand today -_-Few days ago she bit my arm and left her teeth mark on it. Yesterday Jia En bite my arm at the same spot 5 times! Omg......girls need to be tamed.

Sigh, while sitting with Sharon at coffee bean earlier, my mood suddenly swung. I'm not sure whether is it becos of something she said or did or probably it's just me. My self-esteem is kinda low now. But whatever it is, RIDHWAN!!!!!!!!!! You got a blardy target to meet and that is to save up $2K before school starts. I've worked at least 100 hours($600) and the good news is, I've not saved a dollar -_-. I find it kinda hard to save up cos the work I do is DAMN tough and I would always spend my $$ as a way to reward myself for my hard work, lol. Goodness... Is it possible for me to just SIT at home? And the only time when I'm out of my house is when I'm off to work.

2007-03-21T03:13:00.000+08:00

A week ago I lost my little woman. A week later, I lost a buddy. Sigh.... Double blows. I just hope I'll be able to salvage the friendship with my buddy. Friendship means ALOT to me. Imagine you're about to walk past a guy you know......Would you prefer to smile at him or act dao or worse still, look at him with eyes filled with hatred?

Putting that aside, yesterday I worked for 16 and a half hours. My target was to earn at least 3 digits but I'm just $1 away! Anyway, the workload yesterday was physically challenging. Although we had to do set up for 200 pax only, I felt like it was for 2,000 pax. But the overall setting was damn nice. It was the Mont Blanc high profile event, launch of some products. Only those rich asses were invited, and I mean SUPER RICH and POWERFUL. Even police officers were brought in to guard the products. My manager put me in charge of VIP table, I felt quite happy and cool about that. But not until my VIP guest arrived....guess WHO were they? Little did I expect that I would be serving the King and Queen of one of the Malaysian States. I straightaway felt the pressure building up. They came with their bodyguards. But luckily they were very nice and humble people...

My whole body is aching terribly now, especially my hands. I think I carried 20 over tables yesterday. And I had to carry a bloody sofa by myself from the 2nd floor to the 1st level! That sofa was damn heavy la. Actually even before the main event started around 7pm, I wanted to go home cos I was too tired already. Then I found out that I was in charged of VIP table so I had to practice the "Mind over body" thingy. Around 1am when my OT was almost ending, I only had 5% of energy left. I totally knocked out the moment I stepped into the taxi -.-

2007-03-17T15:12:00.000+08:00

D-E-N-I-A-L
I'm still in denial,
What other truth is there for me?
I hate to be in a damn denial.
Who can get me out of this?
ARGH!!!!!!!

2007-03-14T08:52:00.000+08:00

When a relationship works out well, it's all credited to both parties.....willing to walk together, hand in hand to overcome any obstacle that comes in the way.

When a relationship ends up in the ruins, who is to blame? Sorry to say but I don't play this blaming game. I don't feel angry nor do I hate you. What's the point? Things were already not looking so well even before the study week. I told myself to wait till exams are over before we could talk things out. I admit I was looking forward to the outing yesterday because I still had this glimmer of hope that after we sorted things out, the earlier scenario would happened.

Held back my tears throughout the whole time I was with you. Tears rolled down my cheeks when I got into the cab but it didn't last for long. I felt numb. I braced myself up because I was on my way to a chalet and it wouldn't be nice to get emo in front of so many people. At times when you've been strucked by a blow and you feel like shit, do not be alone. Be surrounded by people. Being emotionally detached after a trauma is not a healthy response.

Dear, do not reproach yourself. I fully understand your reasons for choosing this path. The only regret I have is not treating you better. Look at things positively, what's left behind is only a collection of beautiful memories. Don't worry about me cos what doesn't kills me, makes me stronger. I'll always be there for you =)

2007-03-07T16:20:00.000+08:00

I don't like the idea of rotting at home or going out. It's a total waste of time and money. How should I spend my holidays? I already made my bookings for this week and next. The amount of days I'm working is pathetic. This week is thurs, fri and sun. Next week is friday, sat and sun. So what am I supposed to do for the other days? I'm gonna try finding job at other hotel banquet departments.

I'm so hurt by what you said to me last night, especially the dark past and shameful part. How could you say such a thing? Mostly bad things happened? You wish to have nothing more to do with me? SIGH.... I really feel like I'm a gone-case. I been trying to help myself time and again but I didnt succeed even once. Am I of any help to mankind or am I a big hindrance? Will I even be successful in life? I dun wish to end up being a burden to others. But I think that I'm already burdening others.... -_-!!!!!!

2007-03-06T00:49:00.000+08:00

I'm sure you guys have heard this phrase before.... "There's a thin line between love and hatred." NO, i'm not talking about Me & Clar. I still love her lots =) .... I'm just very disturbed as to how a couple could be so loving at one point, and then when things turn sour, both parties gets all heated up and a WAR begins. I'm not talking about small arguements or a small misunderstanding. I'm referring to those kind of war where ALOT of mess get created and also OUTSIDERS getting involved too.

Just recently, I was force to make a decision. A kind of situation I been through before and it is still haunting me! The worst experience that I've been through before in my life is witnessing the fall of a family. Whose family am I talking about?.....Mine! I still remember the times when my family used to be so closely connected, loving, happy etc. And then came the storms which dragged on till everything was put to an end. After being in a warzone for years, it's time for me to make a decision. Which path shall I take? Dad or Mum. How do you make such a decision? What wrong have I done? I'M FUCKING INNOCENT AND I GOT NOTHING TO DO WITH ALL THE FIGHTINGS. Why must I be FORCED to make a decision? This is not a fucking game. I would say this is a worst case scenario. Anything NOT as bad, can be resolved in a calm manner without the involvement of outsiders. If you are not able to solve your own problems, what rights have you got to force ppl to do something? It's definitely NOT FUN to be the man in the middle. Start using up your brain cells and juices.

Imagine this situation.....you're a father of 2 kids and both your kids are fighting. What is your fucking role? To start taking sides? HELL NO LA. You have to hear both parties stories out and say the fault lies with BOTH. An arguement can happen becos one party starts it. But a fight occurs when the other party choose to CONTINUE it. So who is at fault? BOTH. Spare me from all the fucking reasons(which I consider as excuses) for starting the war.

I remember a taxi driver once told me.... "No matter how sour things turn out to be between you and another person, be it your girl/boy friends or some strangers.......keep them as friends. You'll never know when you need their help." I am someone who LOVES my friends alot. I don't care whether you're a boring lot or not, I still love you all the same. I never know when I will need your help. Pls dun say, "Aiyah, I will never need the help of this jerk/bitch," after things turn sour. Are you trying to say YOU CAN PREDICT THE FUTURE? I tell you what, go be a fucking fortune teller cos if you are able to read the future so well, you can make a fortune out of it and prepare ppl for adversities to come. GO BE A FUCKING FORTUNE-TELLER.

And once a decision has been made, that ends it? HELL NO. I don't even know what's the blardy point of having to make one. I still can't accept the fact that I've to decide on whose custody I wanna be under. I've actually changed my decision twice! First my dad, then now my mum. It has been donkey years since they divorced but I still cant decide. But this isnt really bothering to the point where I juz wanna put an end to everything. Just don't put me in a fucking similar situation. "If you fren him, I wont fren you." WTF? Comparing that situation and how my family fell apart, the former can be resolved EASILY. IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO WORK THINGS OUT NICELY, PREPARE TO DIE WHEN YOU START GOING THROUGH SHIT IN LIFE.

Am I done ranting? Yeah for now... =)

2007-03-04T03:43:00.000+08:00

I don't really care abt the idiots in my tagboard. If u're unhappy with me or whatsoever, I DARE you to confront me face to face. I detest ball-less people.

Call me a disappointment or whatever, I would strongly agree. Yes people do change over time but I still am in denial abt the drastic change in me. I'm no longer the Ridhwan I wanna be, the guy who set so much rules and abided them. Right now, I don't even know wad rules or principles are.

Don't ask me to do reflections cos I get freaked out each time I look back at my past and the present. I'm developing a phobia of doing reflections. And pls DON'T question my actions cos most of the time, I wont have an answer for it. S-C-R-E-W-E-D

The sky's not the limit. I am.

2007-03-03T02:28:00.000+08:00

Past 2 nights I've only slept for 7 hours in total! I'm quite happy about how my body is coping with the super long hours I been working. 27 hours in 2 days. I got a big bruise on my arm and a blardy painful wound on my shoulder. Stupid cocktail table "kiap" my shoulder skin, zzz. Today is a rest day for me. Next 2 days, gonna clock another 28 hours. It will probably be 30 hours cos I wanna work overtime.

I thought I could wear slippers to watch my sister performing at Singapore Poly but she insisted I wore FORMAL! But in the end I didn't la, wore jeans instead + shoes. The performance was an enjoyable one! I give it 10/10! Watching those performances by Choir, Band, Malay Dance etc brings back the good old days back in Secondary school! It's been ages since I watched such performances. And my younger sister looked so good on stage la~ ...... I'm really proud of her. I think she can make it big in life by being a performer. After the performance ended, my sister told me not to leave yet cos she and her friends wanted to take pics with me, lol.

The last pic is me and my lovely sister, hehe. LOOK AT MY EYE BAGS! They're huge....I better go catch some sleep. ....zzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

2007-02-28T00:01:00.000+08:00

Exams are over for me but so what? I don't really have that "YAY EXAMS ARE OVER, HOLIDAYS ARE HERE!" feeling. I can't believe I dozed off during today's paper. I can't aim more than a pass for it. I'm pretty confident abt the other 2 papers though. Thanks a million to those who helped me!

Sigh, I'm confused.....I'm DAMN confused. Before exams started, I was already troubled by truckloads of shit. I had to put those aside to focus on my exams. Now that exams are over, I don't even know how to straighten out my thoughts. My priority now is to earn money. But is this a good move? I'm already starting work tomorrow till Sunday. Shift starting from either 8am or 11am up to past midnight. I'm gonna try working like a mad dog for two weeks and see if my body can tahan working like that for the holidays.

Life is a road and I want to keep going

Love is a river I want to keep flowing

Life is a road now and forever

A Wonderful journey

I feel lost and confused, uncertain abt what the future might bring. Pls guide me through all this. I might be feeling down and out, but I know deep inside that there is still a special someone who is giving me that bit of motivation and energy I need. Love you my dear Little MRS Sunshine =)

2007-02-22T22:38:00.000+08:00

It's the study week and exams are around the corner.....but that didn't stop me from going clubbing =X ... Went to Zouk for the 2nd time. The 1st time I went there, I didn't quite enjoy myself cos a fight almost broke out with my group and another group. But my 2nd time is sure a memorable one! Was kinda excited cos this was my first time clubbing with Karen and Sharon.... Went with them, Jeff, Karen's Cousin and his fren. Guess what? Sharon and Jeff were actually secondary mates! Lol.... Jeff was worried that he might feel left out but luckily he knew Sharon =D

While waiting for karen's cousin and his fren to arrive, we went to the bridge to take some pictures. The scenery was so awesome~

I had to act "taller" cos Sharon purposely wore heels to be off the same height as me! humph -.-

I'm not sure why Jeff enjoys doing this sort of pose with me =X

Finally they came! That's me, jeff, jason(karen's cousin) and justin(one generous guy!)

That's me and sharon just minutes before I got super doober high! Weeeeee.....

The whole day I had bouts of vomiting and terrible diarrhoea, my stomach was empty but I still drank! After drinking a few sips of my all-time favourite whisky coke, the effect was almost immediate. I could feel the "sensation" going up to my head. I still continued to drink though cos I can hold my liquor well. Being high and drunk is 2 completely different thing. As always, when I'm high.....I would be damn noisy. My mouth couldn't close! Then Justin offered to buy me a drink....so I was in deep in thoughts. Thinking of trying something I've never tried before and something I would love to try!......SEX ON THE BEACH!!!!! Justin wanted to buy 10 glasses for me but I told him 1 was enough. But guess how many he bought? I told him 1 glass.....he bought 1 TRAY! That's around 14 glasses. SOTB rocks....I gulped down 6 glasses.

If you're wondering what's that......that is ice-cream, lol.

2007-02-16T00:33:00.000+08:00

Valentine's day over, preparations for my 6th month anniversary has already begun. 29th May 2007, the day I'm looking forward to.

I have yet to think of my year 2007 resolution! But I've thought about what I wanna do this coming holidays though. My target is to earn at least $2,000 and I got 54 days to do so. This means that I have to withdraw from FOC/FOW and most probably the Week Zero event as well. Reason for wanting to earn $2K minimum is simple, I need to learn how to value money the hard way. I keep spending and spending way way beyond my limits and this has to stop. And earning $2K IS POSSIBLE. Some of my colleagues are earning that much, and they're girls! If they can do it, so can I. I'm really amazed by how some people start work at 7am, end at 2am and start work at 7am later. Guess where they spend their night? Esplanade.... I take my hat off this people. Banquet line might bring in good money but the amount of work that has to be done is ALOT. There are times when I would feel like giving up.....but those ppl who work longer hours than me became my motivation.

Sigh, wo shi yi ge shi bai zhe. I'm already back to square one.....

2007-02-09T00:37:00.000+08:00

Tuesday, I DID NOT smoke a single stick. Instead, I went for a jog and I covered 7km! That's a miracle la, considering the fact that I've not been jogging for like 4 months? 7km in 42 minutes, weeeee! But I went through alot of obstacles finishing up that 10 rounds around the park. I was doing alot of self-motivation to make sure I complete my 7km target cos I was damn tired and felt like giving up. I told myself.....If i cant even complete 7km, I can forget about quitting smoking! The process of covering that 7km is similar to quitting smoking. You gotta keep trying, push yourself, tell your MIND that it can be done and I've got a blardy target to meet. Even though it has been 4 months since I last jogged, so what? Even though I used to smoke over 10 sticks a day, so what? And for the past 3 days, I've only smoked TWO sticks. Tuesday zero stick, Wednesday 2 sticks and Thursday zero sticks. Weeeee.....

Today a miracle happened. I had to do my CDS presentation and I got an A for it! I had to present my research findings on "Impact of Haze on Asia's economy." I thought I was going to flunk la cos I couldn't find much relevant information about the impact. Instead of presenting my research findings, I went to said this instead.... "The topic I chose for this presentation is Impact of Haze on Asia's economy. And let me tell you this.....choosing this topic was a HUGE mistake! I couldn't find much information about the impact on Asia's economy. If I was doing on HAZE itself, then it would be much easier....blah blah blah." For my 3-4 mins presentation, half of the time was spent complaining about the topic and ta duh, I got an A.....miracle -_-

I'm getting old, I cant believe I'm turning 20 this year!!!!

2007-02-07T23:29:00.000+08:00

I'm finding it tough to express my thoughts/feelings into words so I decided to look up my horoscope, hoping to find something useful.

Libra - LOVE: Romanticizing and experiencing your emotions in a relationship is what you truly look for. Finding new ways to be inspired and motivated to express your idealism keeps you very interested in philosophy and higher wisdom this year. Your visions and creative insights strike up a passion inside that you want to share with your lover. You need someone like you who is gentle, receptive and charming and also drawn to the nostalgic.
Before you give your loyalty and kindness to another, it's important to feel sure that your values are appreciated in an affectionate and intimate way. Having a sensual and passionate connection, both materially and spiritually, fulfills your desire to relate on a deeper level. For you, there is no such thing as a superficial contact with another. You benefit from curbing expression of your passion until you know that you're getting as much as you're giving. Your partner needs to understand that your inner, spiritual world is more important to you than mundane achievements. Even in partnership you seek your own roots, your own sense of security and your own needs. It is important to nurture yourself and share your capacity to nurture and be nurtured.

2007-02-06T00:24:00.000+08:00

17th Jan - 23rd Jan
Maximum No. of Sticks Daily: 5
Average No. of Sticks Daily: 3
Most No. of Sticks taken in a Day: 6
Least No. of Sticks taken in a Day: 1

24th Jan - 30th Jan
Maximum No. of Sticks Daily: 4
Average No. of Sticks Daily: 4
Most No. of Sticks taken Daily: 6
Least No. of Sticks taken Daily: 1

31st Jan - 5th Feb
Maximum No. of Sticks Daily: 3
Average No. of Sticks Daily: 2
Most No. of Sticks taken in a Day: 6
Least No. of Sticks taken in a Day: 0

As each week passed, the maximum number of sticks is reduced by 1. The path to quit smoking is like a roller coaster ride. Cigarette has been my so called "buddy" all this while. I would take one in so many situations like....

1) Leaving for school
2) After meals
3) In between lessons
4) Bored
5) Lonely
6) High/Low spirits
7) Hanging out with my friends

Gosh.....on average I would take 10-15 sticks a day. I really hope to get rid of this habit asap. It's really really not easy. I been depending on it too much. At times, I feel like giving up.....I lose hope, I lose determination........But I would find whatever motivation I can find to cut down completely.

God, pls continue giving me the strength and willpower to overcome the obstacles I'm facing now.....I'm feeling weak and this feeling sucks...

2007-02-05T00:51:00.000+08:00

Somehow.....even though things went smoothly, I juz cant feel that "sense of satisfaction" feeling. Is it because I placed too high hopes on myself and set real high expectations for that special day? But I was really glad to see smiles on her face the whole day through.

Someone told me not too long ago that I'm turning 20 and I should start to get serious about things. I am indeed starting to get serious. Making a change in my lifestyle is gonna be an arduous journey. To cut down on things, to give up some things etc are some obstacles I'm facing now. Well, look at it positively. It's an obstacle! So that means it can be overcome =)

There are a couple of issues weighing heavily on my mind. Right now, I will have to focus on my projects and exams. Those issues can wait...

2007-01-27T03:04:00.000+08:00

Gosh....why do people keep falling onto the MRT tracks? Be it suicide or an accident, is there a way to prevent all this? I'm not trying to encourage suicides but if you wanna commit suicide, for goodness sake......don't jump onto the tracks! Imagine having your head smashed by the train, your body being dragged under the train and blood gushing out all over.......what a way to die!

Today my dear asked me if I would give beggars money. I discussed this issue on a forum before and the fact is, there're truckloads of donations from public to organisations which are not being utilized properly! So which charity organisation can we trust? I don't know. To me the source of this problem is not the charity organisation. For safety reasons, I'm not gonna be so direct with my flaming. Imagine you got a family of 5 people and you're the head of the family. You draw a wage of US$4,000 DAILY which is so fucking ALOT. Your family must be living in a paradise made on Earth now. But sadly NO.....one of your family member is still begging on the streets everyday, not even knowing when is his next meal. So wtf is the idiot drawing such a high pay doing? Wake up damnit, you want our fucking votes.......you do what you ought to do! I wouldnt be surprise if PAP loses power by next election. The clock is ticking and time is running out. =)

@ Clar: I admit today my mood was swinging a little due to a lack of sleep. I hope it didn't affect you at all. But from the moment I had your company, my mood stopped swinging. No reasons for mood swings or whatsoever. Your company makes me feel so complete. As always, I wish we didn't have to part. I miss you so from the very second we parted. =)

2007-01-24T23:50:00.000+08:00

Beeeeeeeeen so busy for past few weeks! Workshops, camps, open house, projects, exams and my little woman's birthday is coming. Right now I'm focusing on my projects and my little woman's 18th birthday. So much to do yet so little time....and my money's running out as well. I can't be working for now if not I'll be damn tired. I don't care.....once the semester break starts, I'm gonna chiong and chiong my work all da way! Gonna be inactive from school events and stuff. Missed those days when I could clock 70 hours of work in a week. Can't wait for Chinese New Year as well, the pay is gonna be $12 an hour!

Past weeks, I been controlling the number of sticks I smoke a day. Each day, I set a maximum number of sticks I can smoke. For this week, I can only smoke a maximum of 4 a day. This is damn stress la.....I usually smoke more than 10 sticks a day but now it's cut down to 4! The craving is damn strong, temptation is strong!!! Ever since I been cutting down, my appetite has grown alot, mood swings, fatigue etc. But luckily I'm always keeping myself busy to avoid feeling "funny."

Haiz, my dear Clar is sick.....The other day when I sent her back, she looked so weak. How I wish I could stay by her side 24/7 to take care of her. Hope u recover soon ok? *miss ya*

Dragos BBQ this saturday.....don't know whether to go or not. Still got so many things to settle. I feel that I ought to go cos I so long neva mix with them and....I forgot most of their names =X .

Anyway, so many things have been happening with the EnthuzeeX. I don't really care abt the conflicts that is existing between EX and other groups or conflicts that are gonna surface. My only main concerns are that the people in EX to be happy. So much fun is available when you're in EX! I dun know why la....but seeing my fellow mates troubled or sad gets me emotional. I guess I'm falling in love with them =X ........... Being in EX is like being in a LifeSkill School, there is so much to learn. This reason is good enough to make me stay in EX for the rest of my life in TP.

Yesterday and for the next few days, I gotta wake up extra early to send my niece back to her house b4 heading to school. I love my niece, she's so cute! Ok this paragraph is rather random. My point is, I LOVE BABIES!!!! *winks at Clar, get the hint?* =D

2007-01-15T01:22:00.000+08:00

E-guides camp has been such a great experience for me. Although it lasted for only 24 hours, it felt like a whole week. I admit I wasn't so optimistic with my group at first but I told myself that since I'm in charge of the Tauries group, I'll make the best out of what I have. Even during a short period of time when I was in a terrible mood, I told myself that if I allowed this mood to get the better of me.....my group is bound to collapse.

My biggest worry was how to bond the group. I don't know how I did it but somehow the group became bonded. I was hoping that someone from the group would start taking initiatives to lead the group and THANK GOD......Karen did just that. All it takes is ONE person to start taking initiatives, and some others will start to follow suit. At times I wish I was the participant cos there was so much things I wanted to do but as an FA, I couldn't....

@ Tauries: You guys made my 24 hours in TP one hella of a memorable experience. Thanks for your support, thanks for your cooperation, thanks for your comments about me, thanks for everything! What touched me the most was the cheer you guys did for me and also the song that you sang for me! I seriously was one second away from crying and then you guys poured MILO and water on me!!!!! Luckily you did....I wouldn't want the camp to have an emotional ending.

Cheer
I say Sunshine number 1!
Don't believe, nevermind...
I say Sunshine number 2!
You believe, you kuku...
I say Sunshine is the best!
Don't believe, come and check...

Song
You're my Sunshine, my only Sunshine.
You make me happy, when skies are grey.
You never know dear, how much I love you.
Pls don't take my sunshine away.

My fellow Tauries members! (I'm drenched by Milo(s) and mineral water)

My 2 lovely FAs, Sandra(Left) & Weilin(Right)

Poor Karen....her thigh got smacked by me.

@ Clar: Having you in my arms gives me the feeling I yearn for. No one else can give me this feeling but you. The camp has helped me regained back my confidence, optimistism and faith in us.

Loving you whole-heartedly =) *huGs*

2007-01-11T00:46:00.000+08:00

Go ahead and pass judgements about me after the sinful things I've done to my dear Clar. Though I find it irritating at times, I deserve it. But if anyone gets too nasty with their comments, I will turn nasty. It doesn't have to be only comments, body languages are included as well. If you got some nice advices, go ahead. I love getting advices from people.

I'm glad I've finally make up my mind and I'm standing by the decision I've made. Ever since, I felt much more happier and relief. Your big heart and nobleness has touched me completely. I'm left speechless. But I'm more determined and confident about the girl that I've decided to settle down with.

With you, I see my future. It'll be damn stupid of me to give up someone like you. I should be ashamed of what I've done. I know I can find no better girl out there. I've come to realised how fortunate I am to have found you. I feel very blessed. To be given chance after chance due to my sinful actions, I should really count myself lucky. My dear Clar, you're one of a kind. The factors that I feared MOST in a relationship has been gotten rid by you. You're so different, the level of your understanding is at it's peak. Trust and understand is 2 of the most key ingredients to make a ship work out. You've proven enough that you both trust and understand me. Now I need a chance and your patience for me to prove to you that i'm the YangGuang you once knew. Nono, in fact.... I'm gonna be an even better YangGuang than the one you knew at first.

Each time I hold your hand or have you in my arms, I'm gonna imagine that there's no tomorrow. I'll transfer over whatever warmth & love that's inside of me to you. I want you to feel blessed, loved and appreciated. Punish me in whatever ways you want to. I'll do them willingly for a simple reason..... I love you =)

2007-01-05T00:13:00.000+08:00

My weaknesses were exposed today. Your strengths were made clear today as well. It doesn't matter whether am I honest or not, I shouldn't even have hurt you from the very start. Before the day came where I could tell you all those things, I feared the worst. Never did I expect to respond the way I did today. I just felt so weak at that point of time. I told myself to stay or appear strong so as to console you. But the opposite happened instead. I was the one who hurt ya and yet you were the one who consoled me. That was the most touching moment of my life. I just couldn't feel more blessed.

It's time to do some soul-searching, get myself back up on my feet and cherish the fairy that has been bestowed to me from above =)

2007-01-04T03:57:00.000+08:00

I'm killing myself softly. I'm killing everyone around me softly. I'm a fucking goner. I'm a fucking sinner. I'm a fucking changed person. Where the fuck is DOOB? Where the fuck is YangGuang? Who the fuck am I right now? Why have I changed? Why? Why have I changed so much? It's fucking clear that I'm not changing for the better. I need to know the reasons for all my questions! I don't have a damn clue why am I like this......

I need help, I seriously need help. But who the fuck can help me? ONLY I CAN HELP MYSELF! I don't know how to face my dear Clar, I dun know how to face my fellow EnthuzeeX, I don't know how to face my love ones....my good friends, EVERYONE!!

Sorry has no cure at all. Can somebody just kill me?

I wanted to break some truth to you today but now I'm gonna find it even harder to do so. I don't wish to hurt you at all. It's totally meaningless for me to say all this. Just kill me...

2007-01-02T23:17:00.000+08:00

Firstly, I just wanna say sorry for making my presence felt for only 10 minutes. I'm having a terrible swing of moods today. Following you guys to eat might cause me to blow up. I got so many things to get off my chest. I'm so hungry now. Tummy supposed to be filled with Changi Village's nasi lemak but instead, I got half a bowl of China's instant noodle in it.

When I look back at how much I've changed for the past year, it's scary. It's DAMN scary. It's like looking at yourself in the mirror and the reflection image IS NOT YOU. It's the kind of image you least expected it to be. I'm asking for the impossible. I want a part of the old Ridhwan to return and keep some of the present Ridhwan with me.

I don't wanna hurt you. But it's all inevitable now. I say and do things without thinking. I feel like going into a recluse. I've not done soul-searching for ages.

2007-01-01T18:22:00.000+08:00

The year 2006 is gone, what remains is me. How I wish I could leave some parts of me behind so I could start the year 2007 fresh. What's my Year 2006 reflections? I got truckloads of it. What's my new year resolutions? I dare not have any. Mind struggles whole year through, series of events happened last year causing TREMENDOUS change in me. Good points developed but fucking bad points had to surface along with the good ones. The feeling sucks totally.

Anyway, let's all welcome the year 2007! While most of you were out there celebrating, I was working night shift which ended at 5am. But what I did last night was a once in a lifetime experience! The hotel transformed the whole lounge into a "Clubbing-like" hall. Everything from the Bars, Dance Floor, Layout of chairs/tables, Waiters etc looked so classy. We waiters had to put on tuxedo, it was so cool. We all felt like bouncers, except without the earpiece. I was assigned to "guard" the Dance Floor area. And then something amazing happened! I wasn't told that the hotel hired 4 exotic dancers! Those dancers danced wildly as I was standing by the dance floor. I had to control my facial expressions cos there were guests around. And I broke out in cold sweat. Okok chill Ridhwan. As the clock strucked midnight, hell broke loose. All the staffs didn't bother to take their work seriously, we just ran around the ballroom wishing everyone a happy new year and started dancing around. About an hour later, freeflow of champagne was given to us. That was my first time trying champagne! I finished up 4 glasses in 10 minutes. Champagne is definitely nicer than beer but not hard liqour. Time to post pics! I couldn't take pics of the dancers and the dance floor.

Me & Jeff singing "Munkin Nanti"

We sure are enjoying ourselves!

(Left) Selina, me & Jamie

No microphone? So be it!

About to start work

Me and Captain Shaik

Group picture!

After hell broke loose =D

2006-12-28T21:27:00.000+08:00

Introducing to you the next generation of Dragay Warrior!

This warrior is fast, small and does high damage. It has three faults - it only hits ground, it has short-range and it has no base armor.

Abilities: Cloak.
Offense: Good
Defense: Mediocre
Range: Mediocre
Mobility: Excellent

Special Powers:
- Dual iron circular horns which does decent damage.
- Nipple Missiles capable of causing vast destruction. But the flaw is that only 2 ammo available and can't be reloaded.
- Cannon Ball which can cause high damage to near enemies due to its' short-range attack.
- Earthquake hands, capable of causing Earthquakes by fisting the ground.
- Lightning bottle.....Once heated up, it is able to slice enemies into pieces.

Sorry if you find this super lame! I'm just bored -_-

2006-12-25T23:55:00.000+08:00

This has been one of the busiest week of my life! Projects + Camps + Work + Xmas outing.... The Group Leader camp was so much fun! Great job to my team Dragos cos we won the whole competition, weeeeeee~....... But too bad I had to leave on the 2nd day. Actually I can stay but I chose not to cos I was too tired. I didn't sleep the whole night of the 1st day. I got to know some new people that night so we were basically slacking the whole night through. Eat, smoke, played cards and we went ghost hunting around the school! I really wanted to see ghost but zzz, they fear me! Some parts of the school were kinda creepy though. I admit I'm very pleased with how some of my group members performed. I was kinda disappointed with some ppl whom I know who are capable of leading but chose to be quiet instead. But anyway, what matters MOST is to have FUN. Around 130 people will be kicked out from the GL during the final selection. I'm quite confident I'll still be in cos I was always leading in front and I got the backings of the sub-coms.

Went to work on Christmas Eve yesterday, started at 10am and ended at 11+pm. Hmm, was it tiring? It was DAMN tiring la cos there was nothing much to do. The management kept giving us smoke breaks. I smoked at least 15 sticks during my working hours. Usually lunch/dinner break is half an hour but we were given an hour break instead. I did something I never did before and that was to play remote control car outside the ballroom! LOL....we so free until can play car. My manager brought his car and everyone was playing with it.

25th December, a day to remember! My first time celebrating Xmas and it was damn fun lor. When me and my friends met up at City Hall MRT, guess what we did? We were dancing and doing CHEERS! Everyone was looking at us but we heck care, lol. We're one crazy group of people la. I don't experience this thing when I'm out with my other friends. Anywhere we go, we would "conquer" the whole place with our voices.

@ Jason Gay: Thanks alot for the heart-shaped necklace!

@ Eric: Thanks for the card and those meaningful words written on it. Don't worry bro, a friend in need is a friend indeed. I'll always be there for you.

@ June & LuKai: Happy one month anniversary! You both are one of the cutest couple I've seen so far....

@ Dexter & Sandra: Your r/s looks VERY stable to me. Keep it going that way yea? Drop me one or two advices so I can have a r/s like yours. =D

@ Clar: Do you know how complete I feel when I have you in my arms? I can't ask for anything more. Do you know how long I been yearning to spend quality time with you? Do you know how much time I wanna spend with you? Each time when we don't meet for days, I'm so scared our ship will not be on the right track or feelings might fade away. But after what I been through today, this stupid fear is just a paranoid thinking. Absence makes the heart grows fonder. I love you more than ever. Your hands are mine to hold, your arms are mine to cuddle, your lips are mine to kiss and your heart's for me to settle in. You're my little woman, you'll always be my little woman. *huGs*

@ Everyone else who attended the Xmas gathering: Thanks for making this event a HUGE success!

I said Dragos number 1, don't believe! Very sad...
I said Dragos number 2, you believed! You cuckooo...
I said Dragos is the best, don't believe? Come and check!
Who is the naga? Who is the naga? Who is the naga? WE! (x3)

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

2006-12-20T12:21:00.000+08:00

It's been over a week since I last updated my blog. The irony is, when I do a daily update, I got nothing much to write. But now I got so much to blog till I don't know where to start!

I'll start off with what happened on 15th Dec, last Friday. Visited the Nike Exhibition at the Singapore Expo. It was a total waste of time going there. The queue was super ultra long! After being in the queue for half an hour, we decided to jump queue lol. From the back, we ended up right in front. Of course there were people making noise but we simply ignored =X ........ And so we finally got inside! But so what? There were NOTHING left up for grabs. All their shirts, pants, socks, accessories etc has been snapped up within an hour after the opening time! I wanted to buy a pair of socks but decided not to. The queue to the cashier will take me at least 3 hours! Queue 3 hours just to get a pair of socks worth $5? Yeah, so I left the place after 15 mins -.- ...... Slacked at Nicholas house but slacked too long and ended up late for work, lol. Supposed to start at 5.30pm but started at 6pm instead. As usual, there were so many new staffs and I didn't know the event for that day was a huge one! One thousand over pax.....my 2nd time being involved in such a big event. I don't like having 100 over tables in the ballroom cos it's DAMN squeezy la. You have to serve drinks/food FAST but with chairs and guests in your way, your movement is restricted. When the floor plan was out, I was hoping to be serving the corner tables instead of the middle ones. To my surprise, I was allocated to the VIP table! My blardy first time serving VIP. I've long wanted to be given a chance to serve VIP tables, so happy sia. VIP table means I dun have to work with new staffs but of course responsibilities resting on my shoulder is heavy. No room for error! Piece of cake la, lol. I just imagine I'm serving normal table. Gotta admit that serving VIP table isn't as tiring as serving normal tables. I wasn't tired at all -.-

Hmm, past week has been a rather happening week. I was actually having my term test but somehow that week was pretty happening, lol. It was fun going school early in the morning to study with friends, bonding with them etc. I had 4 papers to sit for. 1st paper was Org Com which was relatively easy thanks to the all the practice I had back in Secondary School! I was a Lit student so having to read a whole load of information and summarise them quickly is a norm for me. *prays for an A* .......... 2nd paper was Signal Circuits. I put in the most effort for this one cos it's hella hard la. *prays for a B* .......... 3rd paper was Networking Fundamentals. Damn, I made a couple of careless mistakes! *prays for a B* ......... Final paper was Digital Com. I HATE MY FUCKING TEACHER. He said whatever stuff that came out for the quiz wouldnt be coming out for the term test. So obviously I didn't bother to study those parts but they came out! Those questions are worth 25 marks damnit. I could only stare at those questions with a blank mind. Adding to that, I made a couple of "deadly" careless mistakes. *D grade is inevitable, prays for a C*

Yesterday SME club organised a Tiger Beer factory visit. I asked Nicholas to come with me. The place was so damn far! An hour bus ride from TP. I wished I could just takeover the bus driver and do the driving....and reach in half the time. Anyway, the visit was an educational one. I'm surprised by the massive use of machines in there. Everything is done by machines! The only people you see are the engineers in the computer room monitoring the status of the machines. Guess how many can of beers the machine produce in an hour? FOURTY THOUSAND! How about bottle of beers? TWENTY THOUSAND! The cans and bottles were all moving at a very high speed. Gosh, I wish I'm Mr Tiger.........he should be earning billions a year! After being toured around the factory, we were brought to the cosy tavern for free flow of beer! I didn't really plan to drink cos I dun like beer. Decided to try Tiger Beer for the first time and omg....1 glass wasn't enough, I had at least 6 glasses. It was so nice la....damn fresh and cold! Then I saw my favourite German beer, Erdinger....so I asked for it. Drank at least 3 servings of that and mind you, the size of the glass is double of the Tiger Beer glass. I only started feeling a little "high" at the 8th glass. I know my limit, there's no way beer can make me drunk.....I mean, not with 10 glasses. The beer I drank only has 5% of alcohol content. I've dranked 3 shots of pure vodka/tequila before and that's 40% of alcohol content! I've never been drunk before but yes, I do get DOOBER HIGH. Everyone thought I was drunk but I proved them wrong. I could still talk sense, just that I was talking ALOT and was very LOUD. It was funny how those ppl asked me BASIC maths questions thinking that I wont be able to ans cos I'm drunk. The teacher asked me what was, 1+ 1, 1+ 2 etc........ I shoot him and said, "1 + 1 is 2 la....YOU DUN KNOW MEH?" lol... KaiWen started asking me more chim questions like 7 cube. At that point of time, I forgot what is 7 cube. But instead I told him what's 5 cube all the way till 12 cube, lol. Can drunk ppl still think of all those? Of course not! I wasn't drunk. Really had lots of fun.....

Still got so much to write but I'm stopping here.... ^_^

2006-12-11T03:21:00.000+08:00

It's 3.20am but I'm still wide awake! Who asked me to be a pig on Sunday and slept for more than 20 hours! I slept till lunch time, woke up to eat and used comp a while and then went back to sleep.....slept till dinner time to eat and then slept till 11pm! It's been so long since I've become a pig. My dad will be flying off to China in a couple of hours. I'll be home alone for a whole week! Hope he'll enjoy himself in China.....he needs a good break.

No one has a clue how much I miss home-cooked dishes. People say that the best food is found at hawker centres or restaurants. In my opinion, the best food is food cooked at home. Food prepared outside home lacks the "love" ingredient put in. My daily meals are all outside food. I'm not cut out to cook. I still remember a couple of months back, I tried to cook chicken soup. Guess how long I took? 5 blardy hours! Poor dad and sis had to wait for so long and.....the chicken soup tasted blend in the end ^_^ ... My dear Clar prefers someone who can cook so what should I do? Anyone out there willing to coach me? You gotta be someone patient though! I'm scared of fire and the smell of raw fish puts me off! I feel a little digusted having to cut those onions, gingers, chillis etc, LOL! Cos my hand will be having those weird weird feeling and the smell CMI! My nose is kinda sensitive....

I never smoke a single stick today so that shows I AM NOT ADDICTED! That is a fact. I'm not addicted at all but I'm TEMPTED. I got too many smoker friends. When I'm with them, they'll smoke. So when they smoke, I'll ask for a stick and another one....and another one. Geez...

So many workshops and camps to attend during the term break. All this means lesser time for work, no income and more scrimping to do. I need to find alternatives cheap entertainment!

I have learned not to worry about love;
But to honor its coming with all my heart.
Love is not a matter of counting the years...
But making the years count.
You may only be one person to the world
But you may also be the world to one person.
A part of you has grown in me.
And so you see, it's you and me
Together forever and never apart,
Maybe in distance, but never in heart.

Love me without fear
Trust me without questioning
Need me without demanding
Want me without restrictions
Accept me without change
Desire me without inhibitions
For a love so free....
Will never fly away.

Love my dear Clar =)

2006-12-09T00:16:00.000+08:00

I've had a super dooba looooooooooong day. Had to get up at 8am, felt DAMN tired. Last semester when I felt DAMN tired, I would just skip my lessons. Only went for one lesson which ended at 11am. Met up with Jo and Sherlyn at the canteen to kill time. But halfway through, I dozed off for an hour! Lol... Was so damn tired la. And I regret sleeping cos when I woke up, I had a terrible headache! While I was in the canteen, I was wishing that my dear Clar was with me. I couldn't stop thinking of her. I THOUGHT I saw her at one of the stall so I went to the stall but in the end, that gal wasn't her....sigh. I was supposed to meet Clar at 3pm so I decided to attend a talk with Jo and Sherlyn but suddenly my dear msged me saying that she's free le so I pangseh the 2 gals rightaway =X

I'm sooooooooo happy to see my dear Clar! We spent like 5 hours together today? She followed me to Singtel to sign up a new line. Oh ya, on the way to TM while in the bus, Clar was sleeping. She look damn cute and "tamed" while she's asleep. Cos usually when she's awake, she cannot sit still and her mouth can't close de. OoooOps! We spent the next couple of hours walking around Bugis Junction and the National Library. I enjoy every single second having her company. But sorry ah, I was having a terrible headache. *huGs*

So after sending her to her Drama class, off I went to Bugis arcade. It's been ages since I went there! Missed the people there.... I been too busy to drop by Bugis arcade. Had dinner with around 8 of my friends at the nearby coffee shop.

New record set today, I'm so happy! I was super nervous as I was running the car, behind me there was around 10 ppl. When I broke it, I kept shouting and shouting and kept punching the air, lol. I'm a happy man =)

Hmm, I'm optimistic about my relationship with Clar. Though I still don't know her well, so what? Must you only be with someone after knowing him/her inside out? People are always changing. What one has to learn is to adapt and accept him/her for who he/she is. My mind has been made up ages ago. Even when I do find out about her flaws, I'll just accept them. I got my flaws as well and I'm not worried about people not being able to accept them. I'll just be the person I am, but of course I'm always trying to change for the better. I'm very scared to reveal my flaws to her but everyone knows I'm honest. I don't wish to hide anything from her. We're slowly working together to make things work out. At current, things are going smoothly. As the days passed, I'm more convinced that the special place in her heart is where I wanna settle in.

I'm incomplete without the other piece.

Devastated

But when that missing piece is put together....

Life's complete =)

My dear Clar, happiness begins from the heart with you inside it. You mean the world to me =)

2006-12-07T23:39:00.000+08:00

I'm disappointed in myself, I feel so weak now. I wanna cry...but what's the point? Crying wouldn't help me to QUIT smoking. I felt like such a big failure when I turned your request down. I very much wanted to promise you that I will quit. I wanted to give in...... I could feel the concern in your eyes as you asked me to quit. Yet I turned you down! Wth....

Why did I even start touching that filthy stick? I was able to stay away from it for EIGHTEEN YEARS so why did I even start? No point playing the blaming game. It will get me nowhere. You got every right to feel disappointed in me. Sigh...

2006-12-07T09:00:00.000+08:00

6th of December, a day to remember. I was looking forward for this day for a week. It is my very first date with my dear Clar. We first left school heading to the Hereen to get something for her friend. Following that we catched a movie at Marina Square, I just couldn't stop holding her hands. It makes me feel so complete having my hands on hers. The more I see her, the more I'm convinced that she is "the one" who holds that special place in both my mind and heart. After the movie, I brought her to Charcoal Restaurant for our 5 course meal. I owe Ann Kok a big THANK YOU for going through the extra mile to help me make this dinner a success.

I forgot to take a photo of the first course which was the appetizer consisting of my fav. soft shell crab! When I entered the restaurant, the ambience was more romantic as I expected. It was my first time dining in such a way but I was able to adapt quickly. The food was great but that wasn't what mattered most. Who I was dining with was the most important.

@ Clar: I'm glad I chosen you, I know I made the right choice. Though we only know each other for barely 2 months, this doesn't daunt me about the path ahead of us. I have very strong believe and a lot of faith in this relationship. Life's journey is so unpredictable. I was very touched yesterday when you told me about the necklace you gave me. I can assure you that you've given the necklace to the right one. I can also assure you that whatever you did, there wont be any rooms for regret. Every obstacle that lies ahead of us is a step closer to success. Love ya, Clar =)

2006-12-04T23:22:00.000+08:00

My dear Clar........thanks so much for the gift. I've never received anything like that before. It's so unique and sweet of her! *muacK*
The keychain is not what she got for me, it's what I got for her that day, hehe. I can't wait for Wednesday.......it'll be our very first date together!

Played bowling with Clar and a few more guys the other day. I had problems getting used to technique of bowling the ball STRAIGHT. Been more than a year since I played bowling. Anyway, I had fun that day...hope you guys had fun too! =D

Thinking of my dear Clar....

2006-12-04T01:59:00.000+08:00

Looooooooong weekend! I worked a total of 28 hours from Friday to Sunday. My legs are sore, I can barely walk. My hands and legs muscles are all cramped! My fingers.... I can't really feel them. But it's so fun working at Ritz Carlton! Past 3 days, my groups has been wonderful, they're so cooperative. And I like it when the managers start treating me as a senior staff, giving me responsibilities, let me lead a team to do stuffs etc. But one thing I'm so disappointed is the OVAL TRAY. That stupid piece of shit is so hard to master. I can carry it with one hand now and with LOADS of plates stacked on it. BUT.... I'm actually dying while carrying it. My back hurts like hell and my hand would go numb. Am I weak? Haha, of course not. I still haven't got the technique right. I been working for almost a year and yet I still haven't master the oval tray? Big disappointment.... -_-

Ridhwan 1 year ago:-
1) Non-smoker
2) Non-drinker
3) Non-clubber
4) Introvert
5) Loner

Ridhwan now:-
1) Smoker
2) Drinker
3) Clubber
4) In the midst of opening up
5) Open-minded

I know I have CHANGED ALOT. If you've been VERY close to me for the past year, you would realise that. But I just think that I'm changing for the better. I got one philosophy in life, as long as your circle of friends keep widening.....that's a life well lived! My friends are the biggest motivation in life. I'm willing to do anything and go all out to help them. At times when I tell you I can't help, it doesn't mean that I'm selfish. Some things, you gotta learn how to deal with them yourself.

Smoking, drinking and clubbing is not something pleasant. I'm happy to have found a gal who is willing to close one eye on that, especially smoking. I'm sorry I can't promise you that I'll quit. For drinking, it's not a big issue. I've never got drunk. For clubbing, my friends/colleagues keep asking me to go ZoukOut or MOS...... I turned them all down. Even though my dear Clar never stop me from clubbing, I will avoid those places. I believe by going to club, I'm not respecting her. Face it, what do people go to clubs for? For me I admit, it's just to DANCE and unwind. My friends has seen me dancing like some madman several times. But what if I get tipsy? Good game. I don't wish to do those undesirable actions.

Miss my Clar alot =)

2006-11-30T17:01:00.000+08:00

Your Ideal Relationship is Marriage

You've dated enough to know what you want.And that's marriage - with the right person.You're serious about settling down some time soon.Even if you haven't met the person you want to get hitched to!

What's" Your Ideal Relationship?

2006-11-29T23:58:00.000+08:00

29th November 2006, a day to remember. The day Ridhwan & Clarissa start off on their own journey. I'm so happy, I'm lost for words...... It's like a dream come true. When she told me she had a phobia of relationship, this didn't daunt me one bit. At first I thought it would take me some time before I can win her over.

Like I said earlierto you, your hand is mine to hold now and forever. *hugs*

2006-11-27T21:58:00.000+08:00

The very first video I made for someone with the help of Ning. Thanks alot ya? My actual plan didn't went smoothly though but it's ok! I was rather upset when the video hanged while Clar was watching it. Of all times, why must it hanged while she was viewing it? I viewed it at least 20 times before leaving for school to ensure everything was alright. I wanted to cry, but I held back my tears while I was with my friends. Nvm, don't dwell over it. So what if the plan didn't go smoothly? At least I tried. Failure isn't gonna make me give up or concede defeat!

Hmm, due to sleepless nights and feeling full all the time cos neva eat........I'm now 56kg! From 61kg, now down to 56kg. My record low was 52kg after an operation. When I was 52kg, I could see my 6 packs ok! Now it's....ONE WHOLE PACKAGE. So I gotta lose 4 more kg. My throat and stomach is always feeling funny though. I don't care, I'm gonna shed those extra pounds of mine. I just saw the Sentosa pictures.....I'm the only one with ONE PACK. *heart-breaking* lol.

It doesn't matter how long I have to wait cos my mind is already made up. My close friends and family know how faithful I am once my mind is made up. I'm still surprised and shocked that we've come to this far, it's like a dream. It's all happening so fast. But rest assured, I'm not playing with you. For now, I will go slower cos I don't wish to trap you in a corner. Breathing space is what I want you to have.

My hand is yours to hold,
My warmth is yours to feel,
You have the key to my heart
For you to unlock the door at will.

-Your One and Only Yang Guang

2006-11-25T23:55:00.000+08:00

The whole day has been a mind struggle for me. From the minute I saw you, I so wanted to hold your hands but I couldn't decide whether to do it or not. Firstly, I fear you would feel uncomfortable about it. Second, I didn't have the balls too -.- ..... Holding your hand was the only thing on my mind throughout the train journey and at Siloso Beach. Today I wasn't my usual self, I tried to be the active crazeeee me but I was distracted. I admit at times, I wanted to just drag you away from the group and take you to an island where there is only US =X .... When you told me you had to go home, I was SO happy cos the 1st thing on my mind was to send you home. I don't mind not going for dinner and movie with the rest, all I wanted was to have you. Even as we left the group, I couldn't pluck out enough courage to take your hand until I told myself... "Take it now or never." And weeeeee, I finally held it. Good job to Ridhwan? Or don't be such a mouse next time? =X .... Holding your hand took me a long time and alot of courage to do so, I had no idea where I got the courage from to give you a hug following that. No words to describe the feeling of having you in my arms. You said it was a tight hug, I'm sorry if I used too much energy. To me, it was a passionate one cos I was expressing my feelings through the warmth of my hands and body.

In case anybody is wondering who am I talking about, the person is Clarissa. The special someone who just wouldn't leave my mind for the past week =)

Eh..... I wanna blog abt the Sentosa Outing but I don't have the pictures yet! -.-

2006-11-24T12:06:00.000+08:00

Last night's trip to Ministry of Sound was "ok-ok" only. I reached there at 9.30pm and had to queue till 11pm.....it was so hot and stuffy. I was sweating all over. It was so crowded to the max! But despite that, I didn't really feel threatened cos if you add up my friends and my friends' friends.....there's at least 50 of us. If someone makes trouble with 1 of us, you'll have to deal with the other 49 as well. =X okok anyway nothing serious happened. But I went CRAZEEE in there...... It's always the same old story. Before I go MOS, I won't feel like going but once I'm in there, I don't regret going lol. Anyway, I didn't stay till it closes cos the music sucks -_-.

As promised, I said I'll post the pictures I took with Clarissa aka Fire Alarm.....

One of the sweetest memory ever! =) ...... I read that particular section of your blog many times, to ensure that I understand every bit of it. I've got the exact same mentality as you when going into a BGR. Go slow.....take time to understand and know more abt each other first....accept his/her gd/bad pts etc. A couple of days ago, my friend was telling me her definition of love.

"Love is the work of two people to make things work out." In the past, you don't even get to choose your own partners cos "match-making" was the norm. Despite that, those match-make couples are still able to have an everlasting marriage. Why? They work together to make things work out.

I kinda agree with her cos it makes so much sense. As you requested, I'll let nature take over. Btw, it's let nature take it's own course. =X

2006-11-23T00:49:00.000+08:00

Inside my mind, I'm always planning my next move. There are so many things I want to say to you but I have to hold some back for FEAR that......... (full stop). We just got to know each other, I feel that our friendship is still in the vulnerable stage, lots of bonding in progress. I'm really happy that we're getting along so well and I don't wish to ruin the path ahead of us just because of the feelings that I'm starting to develop for you. It's not a strong feeling yet. You're so unique, you're really different. When I'm with you, I get this happy feeling that I can't get it from anyone else. It's special, it really is. You've became my motivation for many things, except sleeping. I've not been able to sleep well for past few nights ever since I experience this "feeling." The thought of you keeps my mind awake. I wanna spend alot more time with you but I fear you might feel suffocated. You also need time for your own stuff and time for your friends. I wish you could tell me what you want me to do. I will go slow, I don't wanna rush. I wanna know how you feel, I don't wish to be mislead. I'm getting alot of positive reactions/body languages from you, but I still can't fathom out what you're thinking. I know this entry sounds confusing cos my mind's at whirl. Shall stop here -.-

Anyway, today I finally stepped foot into TOWN! It's been 2 weeks since I went to town. Ever since I became "active" in the ESC club, I rarely got time for myself except at night. My lifestyle is changing. Usually after school I would go town and chill out but now, my 2nd home isn't town but ESC club room. My 2nd family isn't Jeff and company but my fellow EnthuzeeX members, lol. I'm so gonna be busy for the next few days. Thursday I end school at 6pm, going MOS at night! Wooohoo, I can't wait. MOS HERE I COME AGAIN!!! Gonna be at MOS till around 4am I guess, might be having supper somewhere after that. I'll be spending the night over at Jeff's house before heading to school for my TEST at 9am! Omg.... After school end, I'll be meeting up with Jia En for the first time with Nicholas and Bryan and it'll be my first visit to Vivo City. At night, I got team training at Century Square. Then on Saturday morning at 10am I gotta be at harbourfront! I so can't wait for this....Sentosa outing with my EnthuzeeX members and some club members. Will I have the energy for all this? I gotta pray hard. Luckily I'm not working on Sunday.....gonna sleep the whole day.

I feel so much happier now cos I can FEEL IT! I can feel that I'm finally moving on and getting over the past after SO MANY MONTHS. It has been a real struggle for me. This entry is kinda random I know.....got no head or tail, I doubt anybody gets the point I'm trying to make =X

2006-11-21T21:55:00.000+08:00

Weeeeeeeeeeee, I've finally completed my 6 days of fasting today! But what a way to end my final day of fast. I took bus 518 from school at 6.30pm, alighted at PS around 7.15pm..... I felt so thirsty and hungry cos I was supposed to break fast at 7pm. I rushed to 7-11 to get something to drink but GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR, all the water not chilled! In the end, I bought a yakult cos my throat was extremely dry. Walked down to Bugis, Waterloo Street to wait for "Fire Alarm" finish her drama class. I had problems finding waterloo street man! From Fortune Centre, I saw a map showing where waterloo street was. So I walk and walk.....and I got lost. Walked back to Fortune Centre where the map was, and guess where is Waterloo Street? Just a few metres away from Fortune Centre! Zzzzz, stupid me. While waiting for her, it started to pour. Ran under the rain to the nearest shop to get an umbrella, $9! Didn't know umbrellas so expensive. After sending her home, I hurried to the coffee shop near my house to buy my food! I was SO hungry, gobbled up my food from 9pm till 9.10pm. =X

Nothing much to blog......I can't wait for tomorrow though cos every Wednesday is the day the EnthuzeeX go crazy!!!!!!

2006-11-20T21:46:00.000+08:00

Omg, my previous entry sound so mean.... sorry if you feel offended! Anyway, few months ago the hotel sent me to Tommy Goh's house to work. Tommy Goh is the richest man in Singapore and I'll show you why!!! Look below.....your eyes are gonna pop out and ur jaws are gonna dropped!

There you go! STUNNING RIGHT? The moment I stepped into his carpark, I stood right there for a minute..... I was totally speechless and motionless! All my colleagues didn't move a muscle either. I had difficulties focusing on my work cos my eyes were set on those cars! Wanna see his swimming pool?

I felt like taking a dip in there while the function was going on! It was truly an amazing experience. This is one of the reason why I enjoy working at the hotel, you get to experience so many many many things! You get to serve ministers, rich ppl, celebrities etc. Yesterday I was serving HUANG BIREN!!! She was SO HOT!!! Okok, cool down doob.

Anyway, today I followed "Fire Alarm" to Tamp Lib cos she wanna settle some stuffs. So nice of her to wait 2 hours with me to accompany me have dinner, cos I'm fasting. I had so much fun with her la.......especially when we were taking neoprints! I'll upload the pictures soon. Last week she spanked my butt when I said something cheeky. I had revenge on my mind all this while and today I seek revenge! Muahaha..... watch your nose man! Weeeeee.....

2006-11-18T02:47:00.000+08:00

If there are people who wanna take advantage of me, go ahead. You can succeed once or twice, but there won't be a third. GO AHEAD and do what you fucking pls, god will make sure the guilt and your conscience will be pricked on you for as long as you deserve it.

If there are people who wanna make me a platform of mockery, GO AHEAD. Having fun eh? Have all the fun you want. What goes around, comes around. You don't believe in this shit yeah? Cos the retribution is awaiting to befall on you. The longer it takes, the better it is. The worst kind of retribution WILL befall you. Wait and see......enjoy life WHILE you can.

And also, if you have NEVER ever been out there in the working world, don't talk like as though you know EVERYTHING about what it is like to be in one. Save the insults/critisism to yourself cos it'll only make you even more stupid. You got no right to comment especially if you keep staying inside that blardy well of yours. Get out of that fucking well for goodness sake!

My damn head has been hurting cos I been coughing the whole darn day. DRY COUGH! Argh... Oh ya, when I "woo" a gal...... I don't bother going all out. What the hell for? I'll take the first few actions only. If it yields no result, FORGET IT. I woo a gal not to MAKE her fall for me. Wth? If I succeed in doing that, I rather not have her. This sort of things has to come naturally. What's meant to be yours, will come to you eventually. This only applies to love affairs. So to guys out there, it's time to replace those pea brains of yours.

2006-11-15T23:14:00.000+08:00

INTRODUCING TO YOU THE NEWEST AND CRAZIEST FAMILY OF TP ENGINE SCHOOL.....

Okok that's about all....there're still tons of pictures which they havent send me yet. Today was my first time spending so much time with them! It was hella fun yea! Gosh, I just love this family!!!!! I wanna thank JASON GAY for selecting me to be part of the EnthuzeeX! I never dreamt that I could actually be someone who'll be in the frontline during events/camps....wooohooo!! It's a dream come true baby. And to be mixing with CRAZY ppl brings the CRAZY factor out of me. I'm going craaaaazeeeeeeee!!!! ^_^

2006-11-14T21:07:00.000+08:00

Should I have a change of lifestyle? With the amount of money I earn from my work and allowances, I can actually have loads of savings in my bank. BUT with the current lifestyle I have, there is no way for me to have any savings in my bank. I talked to Jia En yesterday about my savings plan, she's willing to help me. The biggest obstacle would be adapting to the change. Stay away from arcades, eat cheaper food instead of fast food restaurants, less entertainments etc. Basically, I'll either be at home or work. The minimum amount that I gotta save a month is $300, where $400 is the actual target. This is VERY possible, it's whether I wanna do it or not.

Today I went to Pasir Ris with my friends. Each time I'm in Pasir Ris, streams of memories will start flowing through my mind. Memories of me and Talisa. After chatting with my buddy under his void deck, I called her up. I was hoping I could meet up with her. Kept calling and calling but she didn't pick up. But at last she did.....haiz, she couldn't meet up cos she was somewhere else. Really really miss you.

@ Jia En: On the day we meet, you just gotta be yourself. Don't try and be someone different to make me think you're special. Don't worry about me being disappointed cos you don't meet up to my expectations or what.....it doesn't matter at all. I wanna see your true colours that day, I dislike people who put on a false front just to "impress" others.

2006-11-11T02:43:00.000+08:00

Just got back from work, so tired and HUNGRY(thx to jia en for talking abt food). Anyway, I enjoy my day ALOT!!! At first I had problems getting up for school but I forced myself. Later on, Jojo asked me to accompany her to go TM to get some stuffs. Following that, I decided to take neoprint with her.... been ages since I took one!

That's Jojo and me with my newly-grown hair! Pls take note of how she spell "innocent." She still ask me to cook up some story to cover her mistake, lol.

Later on I went to work with Michelle. We were supposed to meet at 4.30pm at Tampines MRT but at 3.15pm she told me she has been released so I told her we'll meet right away. I wanted to walk with her around TM and take neoprint! But as I was about to leave my house, she told me to meet at 4.30pm at Bedok MRT, zzz. Oh well, I really enjoyed her company. I felt really comfortable talking to her even though I haven't really talked to her face to face before. I got so much to say but yet so little time to do so. Hope I can have a proper outing with her some time soon, not just go work with her.

Anyway my mood for the day is 10/10! Hehe, had so much fun during and after work! I dare to say I'm a more friendly person at work now. And what's the effect? People also become more friendly with me. It's really a great feeling. You got so many different people to talk to at work, talk crap....do crap and just go CRAZY!!!

2006-11-06T14:20:00.000+08:00

Should I or should I have not work last night? I still haven't recharge fully after I came back late from clubbing the other day. Yesterday I started work at 5.30pm, guess what time I ended? 5am! I don't know what made me decide to work till so late. I seriously didn't enjoy myself during work. My side station was so far from the main entrance and my group only has one guy, ME! The norm is, a group will have 2 guys and 2 girls. The guys has to be the "runner" where alot of physically challenging work is done. It was a total test of endurance, my hand was already numb at some point but I had to endure. I also freaking hate the auntie in my group! She's SUPER DOOBER bossy and fucked-up. One guest asked me to serve him wine, then the auntie ordered me to do something else. I told her to help me serve the wine, she told me not to be KAYPOH. Then a similar situation happened, she just told me to go do my work. She also kept hurrying me, "Faster faster faster." Don't rush me for goodness sake! I dare to say that I did my job well! I picked up the food on time, clear the food on time etc. It was only ONCE that I forgot to pick up the empty side plates for the guest. Speaking about side plates/saucer, they're a killer man. I had to pick up 240 side plates and 80 saucers by myself. I've yet to master the art of carrying the Oval Tray. Each time I carry the Oval tray with one hand, my hand gets numb becos the whole weight seems to be acting on that hand and not my shoulder. Anyway, I don't really hate that auntie la, lol. I understand why she was like that. She did her job well, without her I would have died. Ok so the event ended around midnight and I still had 5 more hours to go. At around 2am, I was DEAD tired. I couldn't do anything properly, my eyes were closing and my legs were giving way. Endure, endure, endure....the only word flowing through my mind.

Anyway, sometimes I wonder whether the change in me is good or bad. The question is, "Is it better to be more open-minded or conservative?" There is definitely a change in the way I treat people and how people start to treat me. And I'm enjoying it, every bit of it. Argh, I'm running late. It's 2.40pm and I got school at 3pm so....bye! =D

2006-11-05T06:20:00.000+08:00

6.15am now and I've yet to sleep! LoL, just had my bath. How did I spend my Saturday? Omg, I simply enjoy every single thing I did! Ok let's see.... First I met up with my friends for soccer in school. We played for around 3-4 hours, it was so much fun! I told Jia En that I'll play doubly hard to burn all the fats accumulated from all the MacDonalds I been eating and I did just that! I ran alot....ALOT! Halfway through the game, I had a tummyache so I ran to the toilet. After I was done, I ran back to the soccer court. During the game, I ran and ran and ran. I didn't wanna be the goalkeeper cos I don't wanna keep still! I wanna run, lol.

Following that, I met up with Jeff at his house to help him with some stuff. We then went to town to do our usual stuffs.....arcade and eat. Guess where we went after that? A HOUSE PARTY!!!! We wanted to go MOS at first but then my friend said his fren was having a house party at Newton so that got me real excited and I pestered them to go. I've only seen what house parties are like on TV, I wanna experience one for myself! When we reached the house, I was stunned cos 80% of the people there were Ang Mohs! They were super hot too. I felt kinda out of place but I didn't let that become a mental barrier. I started to socialise, to ease myself. My friends didn't feel comfortable at all though so they left first. While they were waiting for me, I continued to make myself at home. Was sitting beside this 17 yr old gal from Norway, then my friend Max introduced me to her friend, Serene. She's super hot man, I couldn't take my eyes off her. What happens after that, I'm not gonna say it here lol. It's something I neva done before. Was great experience though.

I left the house about 10 mins after my friends left. We then headed to MOS, woohoooo! My fav. clubbing place! Although my legs were DAMN tired after playing soccer, I somehow had the energy to dance for a couple of hours. I didn't only dance.....Max introduced me to his friends and what I did with them, I'm not gonna say it here either lol.

I love house parties!
I love MOS!
I love clubbing!

Omg, this kind of lifestyle requires ALOT of $$$$$$. A big THANK YOU to all my friends whom I hanged out today. Ok....it's 6.30am now and I got work at 5.30pm. I hope I won't doze off till Monday?

I'm a happy man =)

2006-11-04T03:40:00.000+08:00

I'm so glad that Jeff has finally straightened out his thinkings. I hope you'll be back to your usual self soon. This past few months has been pretty emotional for him. He is right by saying that people around him gets afftected. At times, I'm VERY angry and disappointed with his actions. During certain situations where I know the end result will be disastrous, I still gave him my support. Me being angry with him doesn't mean I hate him. I don't hate him, I hate myself. I hate myself for not doing enough to knock senses into him and prevent him from getting hurt. I also hate myself for not doing enough to cheer you up. It was quite hard on me at times cos I too feel the pain when I see him all upset. I just hope he doesn't regard me as a hindrance at any point of time.

Went to work today...... I admit my mood was kinda horrible. I don't know why but when I saw certain things that were happening at work, it somehow disturbed me alot. I'm starting to think of Talisa alot again. All those funny questions are starting to run through my mind yet again. Is it possible for me to give her one final hug before it's goodbye forever?

2006-11-02T07:58:00.000+08:00

If you've not added me on friendster, do so now before it's too late! I was bored a couple of days ago and Faithieee was telling me to create a friendster account and I did. Since friendster is the "in" thing now, so I thought why not? I regard friendster as a platform for me to know more people and see what they're up to. And friendster is really keeping me busy, especially the adding of friends part. Mafan!

Yesterday I finally became a family member of EnthusidoX. I already explained what EnthusidoX means in previous entry, those bunch of really noisy people. As I was walking along the concourse, this group of EnthusidoX, 8 of them, approached me and asked whether I was ok cos I didn't attend the camp last week. They surrounded me and started doing the "ARE YOU OKAY?" cheer.....I was so embarassed sia. Jason, my leader, said to the rest that I'm also a part of this EnthusidoX family and before I could be a part of it, I had to lead them with a cheer. OMG, I was nervous. The 8 of them surrounded me again and told me to start. But I don't know how to start a cheer! They then taught me a simple one and here it goes....

Me(Shout): Engine OI!!!!!
Rest: OI!!!!!!!
Me(Shout): Engine OI!!!!!
Rest: OI!!!!!!!
Me(Shout): Engine OI!!!!!!!!!
Rest: Sak Sak OI!!!!!!!

This is the simplest cheer of all, lol. I had to gather alot of courage to do that cos there were so many people walking at the concourse! Jason then said welcome to the family and the whole EnthusidoX family started dancing, lol. If you were a passer-by, you'll think that this group of people are cranky and VERY noisy. I hope this can be a turning point of my life. I wanna do something different, something which not many would do. Brace yourself, doob! Then as I told them I had to leave, they did the "Good-bye" cheer for me in front of school's main entrance! So nice and so touching..... I can't wait to learn the cheers from them then I can start making hell lotta noise in da school!

Went to Downtown East for lunch and pool session with Nicholas and Lionel. I taught them some basics of pool and the improvement was almost immediate. Had 3 hours to spare while waiting for Nicholas to finish school cos he wanted to have dinner with me. As usual, went to slack at the arcade. While playing, I saw my friend who is working at Jean Yip and I asked whether my hair was ready to be cut. He said yeah can trim. Weeeeeeee, I love my new haircut. Yayaya I know my hair is short but it's not stylish! People think that hair short what's there to style? No matter how you style, there wont be a difference. Dude!!!! Botak and short hair is 2 different thing! Ok anyway, during the washing and cutting I was feeling so sleeeeeeeeepy. Last night was on da fone till late night and had problems falling asleep. After the cut, I still got an hour to spare. Luckily some friends were slacking at MacDonalds so I went to join them....my fellow TEK members. They allow me back into their team! Love you guys... The former team I was in disbanded due to some very funny & immature issues, zzz.

So....add me in friendster ya? cyberdoob_87@hotmail.com

2006-10-30T23:43:00.000+08:00

Fuck my headache, fuck the polyclinic and fuck the hospital. There is OBVIOUSLY something wrong with my head but the blardy doctors say NOTHING IS WRONG. How can that be? Do you have any clue what is it like to have headaches every single day? Not ordinary headaches mind you, it's those type where you feel like your head is gonna explode any moment. I eat the medicine from polyclinic, no effect. Hospital gave me a stronger dose of medicine, there's effect but the headache keeps coming back! I'll be out of pills in 2 days. Must you wait till I drop dead on the floor before you finally do a thorough check-up? Argh, I wanna die anyway. Cause of death - HEADACHES

Anyway, today a couple of friends accompanied me to watch Death Note. Fantastic movie but I enjoyed the company of my friends more. Thanks alot for the company! I hope you guys enjoyed my "entertainment" tonight, lol. Today I was in a fantastic movie, causing me to be super hyper. But then my head started hurting so the more active I was, the more painful it became. I told myself to bear with it, I tried.... I could tell you guys had loads of fun anyway, there were so much laughter though we were only together for a couple of hours, hehe.

Tell you guys a secret.....I've put on WEIGHT. 2 bloody kg. Ok that's so inevitable judging from the amount of food I been eating this past weeks and the amount of "workout" I been doing. I can only remember going for my daily jogs at the start of fasting month. That's the LAST time I did something, omg. Gotta start my engine running again, I still got a target to meet! I wanna clock below 11 minutes for my 2.4km. The last time I ran 2.4km during fasting month, it was 11m 17s. I'm close!

2006-10-30T00:58:00.000+08:00

I'm still depressed over the fact that I couldn't attend the camp. I was so looking forward to it. The organiser assigned me to be a facilitator. I don't have much clue what I'm supposed to do but it's quite a big role. Farhan told me facilitators are like the cream of the crop. Other than that, I was looking forward to be with the ESC camp mates I was with during the holiday. I LOVE BEING WITH THEM, each and every one of them! Before I went for that camp, I didn't feel like going. But during the camp, I wish that the camp would never end. Yes, that type of feeling was so......heavenly? Sigh.....if only my head was in good condition that day.

Anyway, I had a long Saturday. Saturday was the advanced celebration of Halloween which falls on Tuesday. There were so many people in "out of the extraordinary" costumes in town. When me and my friends sat down in Village, there was a Halloween party going on. There was a group of people who dressed up like Dracula, Vampire, French Maids, Prisoner, Angels, Devils, Babies etc. My fav. was the baby! Ok la, the french maid and prisoner were kinda hot too. Sizzling hot rather. =X .......... After that we went on to watch "Exiled" at Cineileisure, fantastic movie....so many great actors and the storyline was great. The show is M18 for a reason, and that reason I can't say! Hehe.... I can still remember that "M18" scene. I only came home at 6.30am, played game and slept at 9+am...omg! After I get up, I had to go visit my auntie who lives just next block. I love her cooking man, I simply love home-cooked food. She cooked prawns, vegetable and CRAB! Been donkey years since I ate crab and ate rice with my hands =X

2006-10-28T01:18:00.000+08:00

Finally got time to blog again. Hmmm, on thursday I had school from 10am all the way till 6pm. I wasn't looking forward to my Thursday lessons but in the end I had quite alot of fun that day. The subjects I'm taking this semester is definitely more harder but I see this as a challenge. I've been attending every single lecture you know? Hehe... I'm gonna aim for 100% attendance this semester. On thursday I had this lesson called "Using Internet as a Research Tool." I chose this elective becos it looks easy and hell yeah it was! First lesson we had to get ourself in group of 5 to have this ice-breaking game. I was sitting with my members but wasn't allowed to talk verbally to them. Guess how was communication done? ....MSN! It was pretty weird but who cares. Everything about this lesson is computer-based. And to pass this subject, you gotta create a BLOG. Now tell me, what's so hard about that? Piece of cake, hehe. Ok...after the lesson I had to rush home cos I was gonna visit my auntie.

I asked my dad whether I could do the driving. He said yeah I can....there's a small toy car in his van. -_-!!!!! During the journey there my head started to hurt but I bear with it. Been so long since I met my aunties and their babies! Guess how many babies were in the house? Got 5!!!! I love babies I love babies I love babies!! The house was VERY noisy though, hehe. After that I went off to town to meet up with Jeff. We played billard at ParkLane. I'm now moving away from pool. Billard is so much harder cos everything is so much smaller! The cue stick...the balls and the holes. At times we can spend 10 minutes trying to score just ONE ball in. We then headed down to Bugis arcade. Been so long since I played my favourite games! Had so much fun... Reached home around 1am and during this time my head was hurting terribly.

Yesterday(Friday) I was supposed to get up at 8am for school. But when I got up, my head felt like as though it was going to explode....so I went back to sleep. Went to the polyclinic around 3pm and the doctor referred me to the hospital. It's been 8 days since I knocked my head against that stupid table but I'm still getting this headache. Spent a bomb on medical fees. SIGH!!! I'm supposed to go for the DLC camp but thx to my head, I couldn't. I was looking forward to this camp leh, there're so many people I wanna meet. Just now at the hospital, the clerk was looking at my referral letter and she asked me... "Which poly are you from?" ... I told her, "Temasek." .... She then asked again, "I mean...which polyclinic are you from?" ... LOL! -.-

I just had a long conversation with Jia En. We seldom talk for so long cos I'm always busy, hehe. Anyway she asked what kind of lifestyle I want and I told her I'll blog it down instead. So here it goes....

Firstly, I wanna have as many friends as possible. My priorities will be those from the same course as me, Telecommunications. Cos this will be the people I'll be hanging out with often till I graduate from Poly. I would like to get involved in as many camps as possible cos you can make hell alot of friends from there! Joining the Engineering Studies Club will train me to be a more confident person and I'll feel more attached to the school.

Actually I don't really know what kind of lifestyle I want. Hmm, just do the things I enjoy doing? I don't like doing the same things over and over again, it makes you become a boring person. Imagine if you keep going to the arcade like almost everyday? Geez....luckily I got friends who does alot of things outside. Soccer....kayak....arcade....movies....shopping....clubbing.....pool... billard....cycling....jogging.....slacking etc. Yeah that's what I enjoy doing! To me one must have a variety of things to do. I don't like hanging out with the same clique of people also. I hate cliques! I prefer to have different group of friends while doing different activities. Lucky for me, I do. But some of my friends think that I'm spending too little time with him/her. I don't really care a shit. Nobody can stop me from socialising. If you wanna go on mixing with the same old ppl, go ahead. I'll see just how many people you can depend on in times of need. *Peace*

To all my friends who think I'm a flirt or playboy, pls get a life ok? The reason why I'm friendly with the opposite gender is to build up my self-esteem and confidence. I don't wanna be some frog in the well or a conservative dude. How far can you go being like that? When I feel like doing something, I'll just go ahead and do it. Let no obstacle stand in the way. And do you even have any right to say I'm a playboy? *Peace*

I'm moving on. Not allowing what you say or do has much effect on me. How far can I go in life if I continue to allow you to have so much effect on me? I don't wanna be restricted. Everyone knows I'm a carefree person, having freedom is important to me. I will always wear that ring I bought in Malaysia until one day my heart and mind decides to let you go.