[ you are my sunshine; my only sunshine . )

Sitting in my bedroom,
Not knowing what to do,
So, I decided to write down all my feelings,
And make it a poem- from me to you.

'Cause when I'm with you,
I never feel any pain,
All I have to do is see your smile,
And then I'm happy again.

I don't see you every day,
But that's the way it's gotta be.
Just knowing you are there
Is good enough for me.

I will hug you when you're ill,
I will hug you when you've cried,
I will help you through the hardest times,
Without even a sigh.

You're always on my mind,
No matter what I do,
Wherever I go,
Whatever I see...
It always leads back to you.

I hope you will enjoy
the new beginning of our journey
I know it sounds cheesy,
But I will always and truly love you.

Monday, August 07, 2006

I'm finally feeling the effect of the 10km run....my ankle is hurting bad. It feels so weak and I would feel pain upon every step I take. I did a 10km run, so what? On that same day, I smoked 4-5 sticks. Today, I smoked 4-5 sticks. What's the point of exercising when I still end up smoking? I regret picking this habit up. How can I say I'm health conscience when I'm not? I can seriously feel that my heart and lungs won't be able to take in anymore damage. I get breathlessness all the time, chest pain and now I'm having this terrible headache. Picking up this habit is an impulsive act. I'm paying for it with my life! Is it worth it? Think again.....if I should collapse and die any moment, I only have myself to blame. I used to work for a company which deals with health, I read stories of people dying due to smoking, I got friends who are VERY ill due to smoking.........when will I ever wake up? WAKE UP RIDHWAN! It takes time to change but SMOKING HAS TO STOP NOW BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE. If only this could be drilled into my head...

Anyway, I got back my Tele Prin test today. 17.5/20.......but I gave the teacher back the paper cos I argued that I should get more marks and so he'll check it again. *prays hard*
Later in the day I sat for my Di-Fund lab test. I finished it in 15 mins.....and I'm very sure I'll either score 100 or close to that. The fact is, my studies is improving ALOT. I'm very sure my GPA will jump again. But I can't feel happy despite of all this. Reason is becos, I got no one to share my joy with. I lost that special someone who would share every single happy and sad events with me. I miss you so bad..

A couple of days after we parted, I created a blog to pen down my thoughts and feelings. I'll just quote part of the entry I said there to here. I can't reveal all for fear trouble might start.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

I know the truth, I know what happened, I know what was said, I know who knows about it. You kept me in the dark thinking that I too keep you in the dark about things. It's alright. I don't blame you. You have your reasons.But of course all this made me realise that you're not the one for me, this is what the cognitive part of me says. How about my heart? My heart already has your name on it. A room created inside just for you. Nobody can replace you even though you're imperfect. Given a chance, I don't mind starting all over again for my heart only yearns for you. But the relationship has to start afresh. No more clinging on to the past, no more bearing of grudges, understanding each others' buttons and not pressing them, faithfulness, open-mindedness and the most important above all....trust.

As I was reading all the messages you wrote to him, mixed emotions filled me. Your true colours was clearly shown. I was stunned, I couldn't believe what you said and what you're doing. It is so not you. You've created such a false facade of yourself all the while, not being truthful to yourself and me. Sigh.

Loving you always,
Ridhwan
(R & T 1314)

oh-so-bright.